No Better You Than The You That You Are…

Song Lyrics I heard on my way home: No better you than the you that you are. I disagree!!!!  The song is intended to build women up, has lines about covergirls being too skinny and not eating, how you are beautiful just the way you are. I get that totally! I’m all for encouraging girls and women to see their own beauty. We all have it! But to fall into the “No better you than the you that you are” would mean there’s no room for improvement. And it is my belief that there is ALWAYS room for improvement in us all! I work daily on making myself a better me. To accept the be that I was yesterday is not good enough. I made mistakes yesterday, there were flaws in my character. I’m going to work hard today to try to lesson those flaws. Then do the same again tomorrow.

This thought process is a lot of what is wrong with the world today! Everyone getting the trophy just for participating, always looking for the reward for doing required tasks, the sense of entitlement. It originates in this type of thought process. I work with young children, and as a part of this job I hire younger workers.  The work ethic of today’s youth is practically non-existent! Everyday I am faced with dealing with this frustration. They are so entitled, so used to having the world handed to them on a silver platter, the mere idea of working for what they want never enters their minds. And why should it??? I struggle with this as a mother. I am definitely a less than perfect mother. I have made many mistakes throughout raising my child. I have to fight the urge to blame all of his shortcomings on his father and wash my hands of it. It is a struggle co-parenting though. And a manipulative child can work that in his best interest. I’m grateful that he has a “pseudo” step-dad that attempts to steer him in the right direction. ❤

The diet is going welll meh! Mexican for dinner tonight. I tried a new dish through with grilled shrimp & scallops trying to stay on the diet. It was meh, my mouth watered peering at my son’s cheesy chicken and rice plate though! The pounds are slowly coming off though! Looking good for my June trip goal! Working on laundry tonight and hoping to mop the kitchen floor! Did a little job hunting today and more house printing for my house hunting notebook! Ready for this week to be over and my week away with my love to begin!

xoxo

Teary Tuesday

I have a child at work that will be in full crying spell and when you ask what is wrong she cries out “I’m just emotional!” This is me tonight! There comes times when I am hit with the need to cry. I can feel it building up inside me and I know it is coming. I try to prepare others (yes, I won’t lie, it does usually revolve around monthly cycles) for the out pouring that is bound to be coming. Then there are nights like tonight, nights where it can’t be held back! Stopped on my way home from work and rented a good chick flick to ensure the tears would come. Can’t have them locked up inside! And oh….did they come! So much going through my mind as the tears pour out.

They say  a song can take you back to a specific moment in time. I am a firm believer in this and in the healing therapy music can provide. The song from the movie took me right back to 3 years ago. Sitting in my parent’s living room with mom, my sister and brother. Dad was in ICU in the hospital. We had spent the day at the hospital and came home to unwind at the end of the day. The Grammy’s were on TV, and my brother was always a huge fan of award shows while we were growing up. We were even known to dress up for these events once or twice. As we sat watching, Bette Midler took the stage as a part of the In Memoriam. She sang “Wind Beneath My Wings” My brother, sister and I shook with tears, thinking of our oh so sweet Daddy, knowing that his end was very near, thankful for all he had ever done and given us. I can’t hear the song today that I don’t think back to that night and cherish the memory.

During the past 3 summers, I have struggled with the time away from my love. His work and passion take him away for long periods throughout the summer. In the beginning these times apart brought on a huge amount of insecurity. Everything was so new and developing right before our eyes. It was extremely difficult. It has always been a struggle to deal with going from being his #1, first box on his to do list, first thought in the morning, to way down on that list! The blocks of quietness between texts can seem neverending at times. It has gotten much easier. Our feelings for each other are much more secure and stable know. Validated you could say 😉 . The separation is still difficult though. Walking around in the day to day world without half of yourself can be hard! I miss our evenings the most.

Also on my mind during this cry storm is our future. So excited for it to begin. Wishing it could begin tomorrow. Ready to begin the next phase of our forever together. Trying to imagine what our stress free life will be like is quite fun! I can’t wait! Can forever come already?!?!

xoxoxo

Summer Time!

Summer is here again! (not the official season, but school is ending, drum corps is starting, so in my book that equals summer!) Summer means several things for me; 1. My man leaves me again and again throughout the summer to work! (We are deeply in love with each other after waiting our entire lives to find each other.) Our sadness at being apart for even the shortest times can be sickening to some. The Facebook world hates us and our ooey gooey sappy posts & selfies! 2. Time to buckle down with the weight loss plan and fixate on a new goal. As of right now my goal is to lose the 10 pounds I have been playing with for months by the time we go on vacation on June 15. About 1 month, 10 pounds, I got this! 3. It’s usually a very busy season for me with work. A lot of repairs and cleaning and prep work for a new school year.

This year will prove to be quite different I predict. I have had a 3 year plan for the last 2 years. That 3 year plan will be coming to an end very soon! My business is now for sale and the house & job search have begun! When I take the time to truly sit and think about what the next year will hold, all the changes, all the dreams coming true, I can’t help but to smile, really big! It is a super exciting time, although stressful, the excitement outweighs all else. A new city, no clue exactly where just yet. Recommendations will be appreciated! We love mountain views! For the right view and the right house, and the right weather we would go about anywhere! I am on the hunt for a stay at home computer job. Scouring the internet for ideas and suggestions. I updated my resume today and began filling out my first application 🙂 My evenings are now filled with looking through houses and job listings. My mind constantly drifting to the new life ahead, making plans, making lists, ready to go!

Ok. An observation I made today upon reading a Facebook article. Our local high school had their graduation ceremony this past weekend. For the first year the ceremony was held in a different venue than the school (to prevent having to change location due to weather issues). Apparently each graduate was given 7 tickets for their family members to attend. 299 students graduated. On the morning of the event, parents were turned away at the door and not allowed to watch as their children received their diplomas. The fire marshal stated the building was at full occupancy and for safety issues no one else would be permitted inside. I can understand safety issues. But, preventing a parent from watching their child graduate??? This I do not understand! After alllll those years of staying up late ensuring their homework was complete, helping them study for all of those tests and exams, all those drives to and from school, and then miss the one glory moment you’ve waited 18 years for. O.k., now let’s do some math. 299 students were given 7 tickets each (I always hated those word problems in school) which equals 2,093 tickets. Add the 299 graduates to that total for 2,392. The school stated it printed 2,500 tickets. Their were 1,737 seats available in the bleachers and 1,000 chairs available for seating. Total seats available is 2,737, tickets printed 2,500. Therefore, there should have been no issue. It is assumed that people either printed fake tickets or snuck into the ceremony without tickets. Both of those acts are shameful, but the part that really bothers me is this: If you were sitting in this ceremony, it is reported that it started at least 15 minutes late due to traffic issues and lines of people still trying to come inside, I can imagine that news traveled throughout the venue rather quickly that parents were being held outside not allowed to come in. In the modern day of Facebook, I’m sure posts were read instantly from people sitting inside. So, if you were one of these families that either printed fake tickets and/or snuck people in illegally, and had MORE than your allowed 7 family members, and knew there was a mother or a father sitting in the parking lot missing their babies big moment. And you still just sat there? Is that really the world we live in?? Also, even if you were in this ceremony legally. You had a real ticket, you were part of a students 7 allowed family members. You were the aunt, or the cousin, or uncle. And you read on facebook that their is a mother sitting in the parking lot outraged by missing their child’s graduation. And you continue to sit there as an extended family member and take up that precious seat??? I am an Aunt. I cherish my nieces and nephew. I was right there to watch my niece graduate last year. And I will be there next year to watch the youngest niece graduate. I was proud  and wanted to witness the occasion.  But I would like to think if I had the knowledge that a parent was missing out on this opportunity and if I gave up my seat they could watch their child, that I would do it without hesitation. It would be a bummer, no doubt. But, I know my nieces heart, she would want me to give up that spot for someone else. I’m trying hard not to judge. I know extended family members that were at this ceremony and did not give up their seats. Maybe this was not an option. It has been stated that the doors were locked and no one was being allowed inside. Perhaps if someone had given up their seat the process could not have been followed through calmly in deciding who would be allowed inside. Our city has quite the reputation for violence recently, perhaps spectators were fearful to cause more drama by giving up seats. However, in all of the media attention, there is no mention of families attempting to give up their seats and being turned down. Again, I would like to think I would have done the right thing and given up my seat, and hoped that enough people would follow my example to ensure that all parents were able to watch their child. I often have to step back when I hear about situations such as this one and think about how I would have reacted. Going along with the crowd and having the attitude of “I’m not giving up MY seat” can be so easy. But we all know that is not the right thing to do . It is not easy doing the right thing, it is very easy to go along with the majority that do not always do the right thing. I watch people tear each other down on a daily basis. Always quick to find the negative in a person and/or situation. Very rarely do they stop to try to even find a positive. I just think the world would have to be a better place if we took a moment to build one another up instead of constantly tearing each other down. Must be the Hippy 60’s Love Child coming out in me!

That’s all for now! If you are reading this, comment your favorite, mountainous city…I need some moving destinations! Peace ❤

The Most Happiest Time of the Year??!

The song says this is the most happiest time of the year….but is it really?? By the looks of the posts on my Facebook feed it most definitely isn’t for many people. So many people are missing a loved one this holiday season. Another Facebook friend lost a husband just today, they were expecting their first grandchild in the new year. My feed is covered with sad “Missing You at Christmas” quotes, some missing a parent, others a spouse or child. My heart breaks with each of these losses. I’ve felt that pain not so long ago, and it still remains with me today. This time of year will always remind me of my sweet Daddy. He loved Christmas time, the decorating, the joy, the buying and giving gifts, he loved everything the season had to offer. Christmas has not been the same and will never be again without him. I so wish I could offer words or items to those hurting so badly this year that could ease their pain… but their is nothing that will…only time….and maybe not even that. Scrolling through these posts only make me even more grateful for the blessings I have. Instead of allowing these posts to bring me down I will instead turn my focus to all that I am blessed with.  I have a wonderful son that fills my heart, a great family, and the love of an amazing man. I am grateful that I had my Daddy for as long as I did and cherish each memory I have, also grateful that my son knew his grandfather and had such a strong bond with him. One that can never be broken. He has memories of his Papaw that will never leave him. We are fortunate. The lucky ones. I am absolutely, completely in love with my life and all that I do have. I only wish that others could feel the same happiness I do.

My world is wobbly

Our last time apart for the summer is almost over. I miss the most simplest things about him. As he told me the other day when I was at work, “If I was home we would not be together right now, you would be working and I would be at home.” This is true, but it is still a different feeling to miss him while I am at work during the day, knowing as soon as I leave work we will be together. He would have to admit the feeling is different for him too. Missing me while I am working is short lived. At the end of the day I come home and we are together. Knowing that is not the case is the hard part. Knowing that after a hard, long, stressful day of work that I don’t get to walk in the door and see his smiling face, makes my days seem even longer, harder and more stressful. Knowing that when something really good, or something not so good happens, that I will not be able to have our normal talking through the day session that night after work makes the really good things seem not so great and the not so good things seem pretty awful. He calls me his light. I’ve often joked that he is my light. I shine because of his love for me. When he is away it is much harder to shine. My light fades as I crave his light in my life. I feel small, and somewhat lost in the big world around me. The preference is that we always be together. Life works much better this way. I need him holding my hand walking through day to day life with me. The world continues rotating while we are apart, but in my mind it does not rotate quite as smoothly as normal, I imagine it has somewhat of a wobble to it’s spin when we are apart. So, until things spin smoothly again, I will do my best to make it through the next 2 days!

End of the Season

I guess you could say I survived another summer. I still have to get through this last week! I knew this one would be hard! We had a fabulous 10 day vacation together, followed by a week at home, then a weekend with my family. Now it is all over and he is gone. All quiet again. No dings from the phone, no answered texts, no laughing, no talking. All the world is quiet! Lots of work to do this week. Lots of working overtime. I’m ready to get lost in the whirlwind and hustle and bustle! Then have the week end and everything be right in my world once again.

The Night Went Silent

I am still in my better place. I am not falling off the rails this time. I’ll just keep repeating those lines as I stare in the mirror lol. In all seriousness, I am definitely in a better place. I do miss him terribly each and every minute of everyday. Especially the evenings when work is done and it is “our time”. On a normal evening after work we would have dinner and then hit the couch together. Both lost in our own laptops, but constantly touching each other, sharing tidbits from our day, or a funny we found online. The evenings after work now are desperately silent. No touches, no words, and very little communication at all. I spent the evening in a chatroom I use to go to regularly trying to find a distraction to keep me from constantly checking my phone every 2 seconds. I guess it helped for a little while. Guess it’s time for bed now…which means I made it through another day! How much longer til August?!?!?!

On a Better Path…

The time has come….he leaves again tomorrow morning. I feel better this time. I am prepared, I have plenty of work to do to keep me busy. I am secure in our relationship and our feelings for each other. I have analyzed his last trip and I now know the reasons it seemed more difficult being apart. I am ready to face our next week apart. Although it could never be easy, I feel confident that it will at least be easier. We have had an amazing week together as always. One day every day will be ours together, no work or other responsibilities in the way. I cannot wait for that day…when even if there are responsibilities, we take them on together as one. Wish me luck as I begin yet another week alone.

 

A Better Place

I love this song!! It so describes my life! To sit and really look at my life and all of the changes I have made in the last 4 years….it is quite amazing! And yes, it is a much better place! Of course Anton has a great deal to do with these changes and my transformation, but it started even before we met. When we met in 2014, I was not the same person I was in 2012! (And it’s a good thing I wasn’t….he would have despised that woman!) I feel like I was as close to my rock bottom as I have ever been and ever hope to be again. I was being treated for anxiety and depression, had a controlling best friend/business partner that took complete advantage of me, my family had moved away, and I felt trapped in a loveless marriage. I wanted so much, yet so little. I wanted to feel accepted and loved. That didn’t seem like too much to wish for. I knew I was weak, and I did not want to be any longer. I began fighting and would fight those bad feelings off everyday. I was beginning to learn that I really did not know who I was, but I knew I needed to find out!  I found myself a support system and fought back hard. I ended the friendship and business deal. I took complete control of the business with a solid determination in being successful whatever it took. Free from her grasp, I was able to start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and begin seeing who I really was and what I wanted. The marriage ended and I began seeking the attention I was so desperately in need of. Needless to say, I seemed to always look in all the wrong places! It was a difficult time. I had no problem finding the attention, deciphering it was the tricky part. I still did not have the happiness I was craving. I was free but wanted more than just attention. I used to always say what I wanted did not exist. I wanted the fairy tale, the movie plot, the romance novel…..the seeing each other for the first time across a crowded room and instantly knowing they were the one. Of course I never found that! But…wow!! I found SO MUCH MORE!!! Although we met in unconventional ways and there were complicated circumstances involved….we still managed to find each other and the spark, the chemistry, the twin flame or whatever you may call it was definitely there! The last 2 years have been incredible. Some days it all still seems to good to be true. I expect to wake up and still be that pitiful girl from 4 years ago. I am no longer the same person, so much about myself has changed. For the better! I love life and my world is such  a better place. Partly due to the changes I made in myself and my life, but also a huge part due to the wonderful gift of love i receive each and every day. My world is such a better place since you came along Anton! Even when we are not together I can still feel your love for me and I hope you feel mine there with you as well.

Now off to get some work done! Hope you enjoy Frank!….you seem to be the only one reading! 🙂

 

A New Day

Well, I was right, the sun did come up this morning and a new day did indeed begin. I spent the morning lying in bed watching youtube clips from a soap opera I haven’t watched in many years. I’m almost all caught up now with my favorite story line! Yup…that was my morning, had me a good ol’ cry when the woman’s dead husband found out who he was and her current fiance broke up with her since her heart was still belonged to the presumed dead/now alive husband. Excited now to see how things work out for them. (I can feel my brain cells dying)

My afternoon I spent at work doing hard physical labor. It felt good to be able to get things accomplished and have myself and mind busy for a few hours. Now I’m home ready to eat my microwaved dinner for 1. After dinner I have paperwork to get done for work…….or perhaps more soap watching ;).

The man I so dearly love has had a very busy day as he said he would. I cherish his one lined quick texts to tell me he misses me and loves me. His busy day will end soon, however, he has already stated how tired he is, which of course I know is true, I’ve watched him work and it is hard work all day long! So, once off work there will be a meeting I’m sure….there’s always a meeting….then he will crash. I absolutely love that he is doing his thing and doing what he loves. This is where he should be, even though I’d much rather he be here with me. Our time apart grows shorter each minute and I can’t wait until we are once again where we should be. We just need to be together…always.

My weight loss journey is going great. Although I would rather it go much quicker, I am a firm believer in slow and steady wins the race! I am feeling so much better physically and feel so much better about myself as well. I am down 24 pounds since March 1st and have at least 30 more pounds to lose. My next mini goal is to lose at least 9 more pounds by the middle of July. Shouldn’t be too difficult!

I’m feeling a musical post featuring my new favorite song is in order for tomorrow. For now I’m off to busy myself with other activities than just sitting and thinking of all the different things I miss about my man. (If you can’t tell…..I really miss our talks….I miss having someone to talk to that will truly listen…..so until he returns I shall use this forum for that!)

Have a good evening all! Anton~~ I love you and I miss you terribly!