I had a fabulous trip to see my sweet man! It went by very quickly, but at the same time, it was like time was standing still. Nothing else matters when we are together like that. No outside stresses..just each other and time to be together. It’s absolutely perfect! We spent our mornings going on walks and short hikes. (I felt like they were real hikes, until I’ve seen pics of what he has hiked since I left lol) The scenery was beautiful, breathtaking, indescribable. You have to experience it to get it’s beauty. Snow capped mountains, trees as tall as you can see, water falls, streams, rivers, bridges, animals, I soaked up every detail and every second. I’ll post a few pics at the end. It’s ok to step out of the box, remove yourself from your comfort zones from time to time. The old me would have never imagined enjoying this type of thing. But I do truly love it. And it makes me feel amazing! Win Win! The afternoons were spent with us both working. I would sit on the sidelines with my laptop typing away trying to get ahead at work. He would do his thing and I was blown away by the effect he has on the kids he works with. I knew he was something special….but I get to see a part of him that not many get to see. These kids get to see it. They get him totally. And they love him and respect his praise and opinion. I loved being apart of the life he is so passionate about. The evenings were spent with a great group of friends. Lots of laughs and fun times. Being with him every second of the day is the best possible scenario for me. It’s when we are our best! I can’t imagine ever wishing he would go to work, or that I could be alone. It’s just too good when we are together. Which is why it sucks so terribly awfully bad when we are apart! I’ve done really good at staying busy so far. But I’m getting that bummed feeling coming on again! One more week! I can do it!
I’m sad tonight. I don’t really think I’ve ever really missed someone like I do him .My ex husband used to go out of town. I don’t recall ever truly missing him. I remember feeling ahhhh me time! But never laying in bed longing for him. Missing his touch …noope never. This is almost consuming me. Atleast when I’m at home. At work I can stay busy enough to deal. At home I just sit here ….and cry. That’s silly though. He’s coming back. He hasn’t left me for good. But I just want him here. EVen if that is completely irrational, it is what I want. Part of me wants to get on my knees and beg him to come home and never go back again. I won’t do that though. I haven’t entirely lost my mind…yet. And I’m a morbid-like person..when I’m sad I surround myself with sadness. How sad is that?? I sat here all evening long and watched clips from Grey’s Anatomy.
OK snap out of it…geez! Re-cap of my day:
Busy and productive again. I have everything ready for my absence and everything ready to work on while I’m gone. New girl started today and she did very good. I interviewed a daughter of our music teacher today for a part time position in the fall. I can remember when her mother was pregnant with her..wow I’m old. I think my work drama/tension has fed my sad feelings this week. I feel almost alienate there. Hopefully things will improve soon. I feel better now. Writing my feelings out really does help! Tomorrow will be better! Super busy day at work then I HAVE to get things done here and pack for my trip!
Today was a rather calm, uneventful day. Lots of time to miss my man! I’m still being extra productive at work preparing for my absence next week. The drama was on the down side today. whew! Hired a new girl that will start tomorrow afternoon. My business is definitely on the way back up! I just hope we can all keep it there! I felt better today! Only had to take Advil once! woo hoo! It’s the little things that excite me! Had 2 good conversations with 2 of my staff members today..feeling good about that! Ya know….I had all these aspirations of all the stuff I was going to get done while he was gone…I haven’t done one thing at home! Maybe next weekend I will get it all done! I can’t wait til he gets home! I don’t remember him being quite this busy or unavailable last year 😦 . The time difference is a killer! When I can talk, he’s sleeping, when I can talk, he’s working …ugh! So that leaves his 5:30, my 8:30 dinner break. Which averages about 5 minutes that we can actually talk! These times are hard I tell ya! Hope they ease up soon!!!
I need my IT guy STAT! I think I accidentally deleted a bunch of files from one of my computer’s at work today. I had tried emailing the files to myself numerous times and it would not work. So I attempted to burn them onto a CD. Well…..I did something…clicked something ….and …..POOF GONE! I went to the recycle bin and restored the folder ..whew….but…..can’t find it on the computer now and it’s not in the recycle bin and I ran a search and nothing! Oh well….I should have plenty of time next week to re-type everything! I really do miss my IT guy…resetting your own router is hard work!
My mind can sometimes go crazy while he’s away. All these crazy thoughts start slipping in. We just need to be together. Plain and simple! The End!
lol…I’ve deleted this blog twice now….click..click..click…thank goodness for “restore”!!!
What a day! Super emotional! #1….PMS ….#2…my baby is gone #3…work drama #4….lack of sleep #5…I’m siiiccckkk
The rest of my day…
I was productive and got lots done! I love days like that! I am preparing for my trip to see my lovely Anton Saturday and gathering work to take with me. I can’t wait to see him! I miss him so very much! I didn’t sleep well again last night! I’m so used to having him beside me…touching me…reaching for me. I have had to stop and ask myself; do I take him for granted when he is here? Do I need these breaks to keep myself from doing that? To make me cherish each and every second with him. I feel like I do that on a regular basis….but on days like this when I want nothing more than to come home after a long day of work and just sit and cuddle with him I honestly hope I never take that for granted!
We got word at work that our rating will be on Tuesday the 26th…I won’t be there…but my girls are pumped and ready! I have full confidence in them!
How could a day like this end you say??? With a phone call from the sweetest man alive! Thank you baby! Hearing your voice made it all better! Oh, and to top it off….my girl on the Voice didn’t win 😦 2nd place!
That’s all for today!
Hurry home Anton! xoxox
Well ….it’s here…..he left early yesterday morning. He was on and off flights all day long…staggered texts here and there….but it felt good. I felt good about it, thought I had a handle on it this year. Today….not so much. He slept all morning my time (there’s a 3 hr time difference now) then worked all afternoon and night. Very little texting today and a quick 5 min chat during his break. This is the part that is always so hard. I went from being #1, his main priority, having all of his time, to plummeting to the bottom of the list overnight. And I’m sick, and I don’t feel good. I was prepared, I knew this is how things would be. Soon as I’m done with my 5 minute pity party I’ll pull up my big girl panties and get over it. Plenty to do to keep me busy.
Re-cap of my day:
Hmm…let’s see….I couldn’t sleep last night because my bed was way too empty (pity party continues), so I’ve been awake since 4 am. Work was very busy…had to cover for someone’s day off. Which means doing their job and mine too! Had an interview this morning. I liked the girl, however, she is a college student, so summer only employment and breaks when she is home. I have another interview tomorrow I’m waiting to see how it goes before I make a final decision. Only need to hire one.
Had to correct 3 staff members today, that is never fun! One of my biggest weaknesses! But I did it! 2 for not following proper procedures and 1 for correcting her tone and way she talks. Ha….then had a call from a customer….the bank was holding their check because it wasn’t signed! Should’ve known I wouldn’t be able to slip that one by!
2:00 p.m. was called by the School Nurse saying my son had fallen while playing football during 2nd period (a long way before 2:00) and he had just now came to the office stating he was in pain. He also told the nurse he had blacked out for a few seconds after he fell. He can be a bit melodramatic at times. I talked to him on the phone and he assured me he was fine. So he stayed in school.
I left work around 4:30 and went straight to the doctor’s office. I have had terrible head pains for the last week. I’ve never had trouble with allergies or sinus problems, but I was diagnosed with a sinus infection. And wow! what pain! My whole face hurts! And the Dr. said I was running a fever (I felt o.k. before I knew that…did she have to tell me?!?) Went to the pharmacy and had my meds filled. Some strange guy kept following me up and down all the aisles while I waited. It was obvious and I was starting to get freaked. So I eventually went and set down and waited. Never saw him again.
Had to go to Sam’s to get supplies for work and went to eat with my son ( I had a salad :)) Then came home and played the new computer game I treated myself to just waiting for 8:30 to get here. I wasn’t supposed to feel like this this year. It was supposed to be better. There’s always tomorrow…
I spent the weekend at my Mom’s house in Tennessee. I have been suffering with a bad toothache and it really had me down. I just do not feel good at all! Can’t wait til Monday for my dentist appointment! Anyway, I warned Mom beforehand that I was in pain and didn’t know what kind of company I would be! While I was in Tennessee, I was able to see my cousin. And wow, what a change of perspective I was given. Here I sat with a toothache, just one simple tooth causing me pain. She has battled stage 3 breast cancer, been through a strong dose of chemotherapy and radiation, had a double mastectomy and is now taking medications to force her to go through early menopause (she’s in her early 30’s) And there she was, out and about with her mother, huge smile on her face, new hair (different color & texture), flowy shirt to hide her new “no boob” status. She has such a positive attitude, it’s mind blowing. 3 young children at home and a husband that is active military. I sat there watching her, seeing her smile, hearing her laugh, and almost felt ashamed that I had complained about a tooth. This was the first time I have seen her since hearing about her diagnosis a year ago…and she left me awestruck. She writes a blog about her battle that I follow and has given me a huge insight into the person that she is and that her husband is. They both have an amazing religious faith and they have leaned on it heavily during the past year. She reaches out to other cancer patients and shares her story with them in hopes of helping someone in a similar situation to hers. She is truly an inspiration, I could never imagine receiving a diagnosis similar to hers and can only hope I would be able to handle it with half of the grace she has. I will take my small aches and pains in stride from now on….and make it a point to embrace my life and my health. It’s not a given that everyone has.
On another note, Anton is out of town as well this weekend. I always make it a point to either go out of town or plan extra work on the weekends I know he will be away. It helps to keep me from going crazy missing him. It works….somewhat. I still miss him so very much. And the limited contact there seems to be is a huge drag for me. When I text and it is hours before he responds….sigh…..is the summer over yet????
O.K….here’s my take on all the Grey’s Anatomy drama recently. I used to watch Grey’s religiously, I never missed an episode during the first few years. I loved the music, the characters, the heartwrenching storylines, the quotes, oh how I loved the quotes (If you will look back, a Grey’s quote is how I began my first entry in this blog) When Meredith announced that Christina was “her person” I had to have a person too! Over time, I lost interest and quit watching.
Last week all of the “Dr. Shephard death” posts on facebook caught my eye and peaked my interest. I watched the episode online and did the whole ugly cry thing. The bf (let’s call him Anton from here on out) looked over and said “Are you really crying from a T.V. show?” My reply, “Yesssss sniff, sniff” I then explained, he was her love, her one true love, he was the one for her, her one big, huge, love of her life. They fought so hard along the way to be together and they made it work. They made it to their happy ending. And now he’s gone. What is she supposed to do?? I feel that, I have finally found my big, true love with Anton and to lose him now would be unimaginable. So, yes…I cried…hard! He consoled me, unjudging, and without laughing.
This week, we watched the 2 hour episode that showed everyone else’s reaction to the death of McDreamy. Several things about the episode have stayed in my mind throughout the weekend. First, how the death of someone close to you causes everyone to stop and take a long look at their own life and how they are living it. And deciding to make the necessary changes to live life to it’s abosolute fullest potential. They say I Love You more than they did before, they don’t take the little things for granted, they wake up each morning ready to face the day and whatever it may offer. I know I felt these very same things when I lost my Daddy last year. It proved just how short life is to me. I just find it sad that it takes us losing someone to bring out this reaction. We should have been living our lives this way for years.
Another part of the episode that stayed with me is Dr. Baileys reaction. Even when I go over it now in my head, tears come to my eyes. Dr. Bailey explained to her man how with her ex husband she could imagine him being gone, and knew she would be O.K. But with him, he is such a part of her, that when she imagines something happening to him, she can’t see herself ever being O.K. “I love you too much” she says. I so feel this. I have a somewhat morbid mind I guess. I would imagine something happening to my ex (both of them) , and I was always o.k. afterwards. But with Anton, when I think of such things, it gets hard to breathe. He is a piece of me. I can’t go on if he’s not here beside me. He doesn’t believe in fate or soulmates, I really don’t either…..however, something brought us together. Our paths crossed in an unconventional way, at just the right time in both of our lives for some reason. We both lost a parent within 2 months of knowing each other, we were there for each other and helped each other feel the huge void that was missing in our lives. My life has changed so greatly in so many positive ways since Anton came into my life. I am holding on tight and never letting him go!