The Night Went Silent

I am still in my better place. I am not falling off the rails this time. I’ll just keep repeating those lines as I stare in the mirror lol. In all seriousness, I am definitely in a better place. I do miss him terribly each and every minute of everyday. Especially the evenings when work is done and it is “our time”. On a normal evening after work we would have dinner and then hit the couch together. Both lost in our own laptops, but constantly touching each other, sharing tidbits from our day, or a funny we found online. The evenings after work now are desperately silent. No touches, no words, and very little communication at all. I spent the evening in a chatroom I use to go to regularly trying to find a distraction to keep me from constantly checking my phone every 2 seconds. I guess it helped for a little while. Guess it’s time for bed now…which means I made it through another day! How much longer til August?!?!?!

On a Better Path…

The time has come….he leaves again tomorrow morning. I feel better this time. I am prepared, I have plenty of work to do to keep me busy. I am secure in our relationship and our feelings for each other. I have analyzed his last trip and I now know the reasons it seemed more difficult being apart. I am ready to face our next week apart. Although it could never be easy, I feel confident that it will at least be easier. We have had an amazing week together as always. One day every day will be ours together, no work or other responsibilities in the way. I cannot wait for that day…when even if there are responsibilities, we take them on together as one. Wish me luck as I begin yet another week alone.

 

A Better Place

I love this song!! It so describes my life! To sit and really look at my life and all of the changes I have made in the last 4 years….it is quite amazing! And yes, it is a much better place! Of course Anton has a great deal to do with these changes and my transformation, but it started even before we met. When we met in 2014, I was not the same person I was in 2012! (And it’s a good thing I wasn’t….he would have despised that woman!) I feel like I was as close to my rock bottom as I have ever been and ever hope to be again. I was being treated for anxiety and depression, had a controlling best friend/business partner that took complete advantage of me, my family had moved away, and I felt trapped in a loveless marriage. I wanted so much, yet so little. I wanted to feel accepted and loved. That didn’t seem like too much to wish for. I knew I was weak, and I did not want to be any longer. I began fighting and would fight those bad feelings off everyday. I was beginning to learn that I really did not know who I was, but I knew I needed to find out!  I found myself a support system and fought back hard. I ended the friendship and business deal. I took complete control of the business with a solid determination in being successful whatever it took. Free from her grasp, I was able to start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and begin seeing who I really was and what I wanted. The marriage ended and I began seeking the attention I was so desperately in need of. Needless to say, I seemed to always look in all the wrong places! It was a difficult time. I had no problem finding the attention, deciphering it was the tricky part. I still did not have the happiness I was craving. I was free but wanted more than just attention. I used to always say what I wanted did not exist. I wanted the fairy tale, the movie plot, the romance novel…..the seeing each other for the first time across a crowded room and instantly knowing they were the one. Of course I never found that! But…wow!! I found SO MUCH MORE!!! Although we met in unconventional ways and there were complicated circumstances involved….we still managed to find each other and the spark, the chemistry, the twin flame or whatever you may call it was definitely there! The last 2 years have been incredible. Some days it all still seems to good to be true. I expect to wake up and still be that pitiful girl from 4 years ago. I am no longer the same person, so much about myself has changed. For the better! I love life and my world is such  a better place. Partly due to the changes I made in myself and my life, but also a huge part due to the wonderful gift of love i receive each and every day. My world is such a better place since you came along Anton! Even when we are not together I can still feel your love for me and I hope you feel mine there with you as well.

Now off to get some work done! Hope you enjoy Frank!….you seem to be the only one reading! 🙂

 

A New Day

Well, I was right, the sun did come up this morning and a new day did indeed begin. I spent the morning lying in bed watching youtube clips from a soap opera I haven’t watched in many years. I’m almost all caught up now with my favorite story line! Yup…that was my morning, had me a good ol’ cry when the woman’s dead husband found out who he was and her current fiance broke up with her since her heart was still belonged to the presumed dead/now alive husband. Excited now to see how things work out for them. (I can feel my brain cells dying)

My afternoon I spent at work doing hard physical labor. It felt good to be able to get things accomplished and have myself and mind busy for a few hours. Now I’m home ready to eat my microwaved dinner for 1. After dinner I have paperwork to get done for work…….or perhaps more soap watching ;).

The man I so dearly love has had a very busy day as he said he would. I cherish his one lined quick texts to tell me he misses me and loves me. His busy day will end soon, however, he has already stated how tired he is, which of course I know is true, I’ve watched him work and it is hard work all day long! So, once off work there will be a meeting I’m sure….there’s always a meeting….then he will crash. I absolutely love that he is doing his thing and doing what he loves. This is where he should be, even though I’d much rather he be here with me. Our time apart grows shorter each minute and I can’t wait until we are once again where we should be. We just need to be together…always.

My weight loss journey is going great. Although I would rather it go much quicker, I am a firm believer in slow and steady wins the race! I am feeling so much better physically and feel so much better about myself as well. I am down 24 pounds since March 1st and have at least 30 more pounds to lose. My next mini goal is to lose at least 9 more pounds by the middle of July. Shouldn’t be too difficult!

I’m feeling a musical post featuring my new favorite song is in order for tomorrow. For now I’m off to busy myself with other activities than just sitting and thinking of all the different things I miss about my man. (If you can’t tell…..I really miss our talks….I miss having someone to talk to that will truly listen…..so until he returns I shall use this forum for that!)

Have a good evening all! Anton~~ I love you and I miss you terribly!

 

And so it begins…….again

Summer has arrived. Not officially I realize, but in my world summer is here. Kids are out of school and my man is off to work! Busy season for me! Lots to be done at work and home! Just got home today from a wonderful visit with my sweet man at work. 5 amazing days together. Now to make it through the next 5 until we are together again, even if only for  a few short days. I explained it perfectly while we were together this week…..when we are together, even if he’s working or I’m working, or whatever we may be involved in….I know without a doubt I am his number 1, first, most important priority. He spoils me in that way. Always eager to give me his complete, undivided attention, to listen closely as I ramble on about trivial topics and adventures throughout my day. Sometimes he chimes in and ask questions or offers advice, other times he just looks kind of confused and wonders why I am rambling on about the topic. But his attention never wavers, it is always there! He reaches out and touches me constantly. It’s funny….he thinks I get tired of the touching…that it becomes overwhelming. So far from the truth. I love each and every touch, every brush of the hand, I feel his touch and I am instantly reminded of the love he has for me. It’s quite a wonderful feeling. Then, duty calls and he’s off to work. Yes, he works while he is here sometimes too but even on his most focused projects I know he is there and always happy when I stop by his computer to give him a quick hug while he works. It’s when he goes away to work that I no longer feel I am the priority. There are way too many other forces pulling for his attention. When I am there with him, he works and is busy and is pulled in different directions….and I am right beside him. Now that I’m home the texts are few and far between and seconds, minutes, hours go by without a reply. The feeling of  being his #1 priority immediately begins to disappear. Tonight, I am tired, it has been a long day with a long drive and a long afternoon catching up at work. Tomorrow will be better, lots of work to do to keep me busy. There will be no spare time for self-pity and ‘Waaah Waaaahh” moments. The sun will come out and it will be a new day….and one day closer to being with my love again. Here’s to hoping I survive another long summer!