“I believe that we can be extraordinary together rather than ordinary apart.”

O.K….here’s my take on all the Grey’s Anatomy drama recently. I used to watch Grey’s religiously, I never missed an episode during the first few years. I loved the music, the characters, the heartwrenching storylines, the quotes, oh how I loved the quotes (If you will look back, a Grey’s quote is how I began my first entry in this blog) When Meredith announced that Christina was “her person” I had to have a person too! Over time, I lost interest and quit watching.

Last week all of the “Dr. Shephard death” posts on facebook caught my eye and peaked my interest. I watched the episode online and did the whole ugly cry thing. The bf (let’s call him Anton from here on out) looked over and said “Are you really crying from a T.V. show?” My reply, “Yesssss sniff, sniff” I then explained, he was her love, her one true love, he was the one for her, her one big, huge, love of her life. They fought so hard along the way to be together and they made it work. They made it to their happy ending. And now he’s gone. What is she supposed to do?? I feel that, I have finally found my big, true love with Anton and to lose him now would be unimaginable. So, yes…I cried…hard! He consoled me, unjudging, and without laughing.

This week, we watched the 2 hour episode that showed everyone else’s reaction to the death of McDreamy. Several things about the episode have stayed in my mind throughout the weekend. First, how the death of someone close to you causes everyone to stop and take a long look at their own life and how they are living it. And deciding to make the necessary changes to live life to it’s abosolute fullest potential. They say I Love You more than they did before, they don’t take the little things for granted, they wake up each morning ready to face the day and whatever it may offer. I know I felt these very same things when I lost my Daddy last year. It proved just how short life is to me. I just find it sad that it takes us losing someone to bring out this reaction. We should have been living our lives this way for years.

Another part of the episode that stayed with me is Dr. Baileys reaction. Even when I go over it now in my head, tears come to my eyes. Dr. Bailey explained to her man how with her ex husband she could imagine him being gone, and knew she would be O.K. But with him, he is such a part of her, that when she imagines something happening to him, she can’t see herself ever being O.K. “I love you too much” she says. I so feel this. I have a somewhat morbid mind I guess. I would imagine something happening to my ex (both of them) , and I was always o.k. afterwards. But with Anton, when I think of such things, it gets hard to breathe. He is a piece of me. I can’t go on if he’s not here beside me. He doesn’t believe in fate or soulmates, I really don’t either…..however, something brought us together. Our paths crossed in  an unconventional way, at just the right time in both of our lives for some reason. We both lost a parent within 2 months of knowing each other, we were there for each other and helped each other feel the huge void that was missing in our lives. My life has changed so greatly in so many positive ways since Anton came into my life. I am holding on tight and never letting him go!

Pieces of My Puzzle

I always find it strange….the smallest moments, objects, or thoughts that will quickly turn my thoughts to my Dad. I always feel that same startling catch in my breath when it happens…almost as if I have forgotten for just a moment that he’s gone. Tonight it was jigsaw puzzles at Hobby Lobby. As soon as I saw them displayed at the end of the aisle I went straight over, my mind instantly thinking “I should get Dad another puzzle for Christmas”. He always loved working them especially during the winter. Then the reality of the past 8 months set in and I quickly pushed my buggy by the puzzle display. It’s hard losing a parent. Even as a 40 year old woman I’m left with a lost feeling without him being here. He was a part of me, I have so much of him inside of me. He’s one of the main reasons I felt compelled to start writing this blog. His death has left me with so many emotions. I’ve never lost anyone close to me before this and haven’t quite been sure how to handle the feelings. Maybe giving myself an outlet here for these thoughts will help not only me, but someone else who may stumble across these pages as well.

I found this quote several weeks ago….and was taken back with how true it really is.

dad

I see death differently now. Almost as if it is a club. I hear of someone losing a parent now and have a completely different reaction than I did before. I was always genuinely sympathetic before, but truly had no clue how the other person felt. Unfortunately, now I do identify completely. Each time I have heard of someone losing a parent I have felt that familar pain wash over me, upon hearing and/or reading any details, I am immediately taken back to my Daddy’s last few days. I wonder if it will always be this way….. will it always be so fresh, so new, so memorable for me. I know that there are things that I will never forget about those last few days.

I recently read a blog post by someone that had lost her mother. In this post she went over some details of her mother’s last few days. Of course I was able to identify with this, I had seen some of the same things, felt the same emotions, I had been in her shoes. I realized while reading this blog that I have never went over these types of details with anyone. Does anyone really want to hear these details? Hear about the things I saw that I will never be able to forget, the sounds I heard, the feelings I had. It’s a hard story to tell and just as hard to hear. I could talk about it with my family, but it’s hard for them to hear as well even though they did live it right beside me. We prefer to talk about our good memories, share the funny stories, relive the good times over and over. So for now my thoughts will go here, as I continue on this journey doing my best to live each day to its fullest….I know Daddy would approve! 🙂