My Reasons Why

My Weight Watchers journey is going great!!! I have lost 9 pounds in the last two weeks and have managed to follow the plan with great ease. I am working to extend my activity each day. I am loving how I am feeling already! Eating healthy really does make a huge difference! My refrigerator is stocked way more than it ever was when I was eating unhealthy food! I am cooking much more frequently and our eating out nights have been reduced drastica

lly! Our grocery bill has expanded…..but the eating out decrease is helping make up for that! We are both feeling amazing and are quite proud of ourselves! I have become addicted to the Weight Watchers Feed (very similar to a Facebook news feed) and spend every free moment looking for good recipes, meal planning, or prepping.

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A big part of the Weight Watchers Feed is sharing your “Whys”. Your “whys” are your reasons for wanting to be a better you. Your motivation for making these huge lifestyle changes that are going to make you a healthier, overall better, you! I am working on sharing my “whys” there as well and wanted to share them here as well. My whys are not numbered in any particular order, only numbered for identification purposes.

  1. He is my why! But not for the reasons that many may think. Not because he dislikes the way I look, or complains about the weight gains. Exactly the opposite lol! He is one of my whys because our love is such a special, precious gift. We had to wait most of our lives to receive this gift. It is such a rare gift, many people live their entire lives without ever finding anything even remotely similar. But we did, we defeated the odds, took an impossible situation and made it work. Upon meeting, we instantly knew “We just have to be together!”. And we were both willing to do whatever it took to make that happen. I had to wait 4o very long years to experience this kind of love. I am willing to do whatever it takes to stretch what time we have together. Classic case of the quote “I wish I had met you sooner so I could have loved you longer.” When we first started talking about changing to a healthy lifestyle way back in the beginning, he told me “I love you no matter what you weigh, but I want you to be the very best you that you can be and be here for me to love for a very long time.” And that is exactly what I am doing! I can’t wait to see what the rest of this life has to offer us and I am ready to take it on!
  2. He is my why! He has had my heart since that very first day I laid eyes on him. I have always tried to be a good mother, but I always knew I was not one for setting all the perfect examples of how one should live. He grew up in a “do as I say, not as I do” type of environment. I can remember him as an elementary student learning about the effects smoking has on one’s lungs. He came home very upset asking me and his dad to stop smoking, showing us the pictures in his books. I look back at that now and cannot imagine why that did not have an effect on me! How could I continue to smoke after that? But I did. I am now smoke free for 2 years! And he was so very impressed, supportive and proud. He takes pride in all my life changes. I also ended my addiction to Diet Mt. Dew. Now 99% of what I drink is water. He is supportive of my weight loss, and very encouraging. He pushes me through workouts, cheering me on and challenging me to do more. I lost my Dad when I was 40. I have often said 4o years was not long enough to be his daughter. I don’t want my lifestyle and choices to shorten the time Cutler has to have me as his Mom. I am going to do whatever it takes to try to be there for each of his milestones along the way! And to set the good example of how one should be living their lives, what foods they should be eating, what exercise they should be doing. I want him to learn from watching me, not just listening to me!
  3. She is my why! That is me! Most importantly and before all others I am doing this for myself! That is the only way it will work! I want to feel better about myself and in day to day activities. I want to be able to look into a mirror and have that “yes girl” reaction instead of “whhaaaattt!” I want to know I am making the best decisions for myself that I possibly can! I have struggled with happiness in the past and always had food there to support me. I am slowly, day by day learning that true happiness is only found inside of ones own self. Others cannot make me happy. If I am set on being miserable, it doesn’t matter what happens, that is how I will feel. I had to go out searching for myself for quite a while. For so long I had only been what everyone else wanted me to be! I did not know how to make a decision myself, was not even sure of my own true likes and dislikes. I just went with the flow. I did finally find myself along the way, and have slowly began to understand who I actually am. Now on to making me the very best me I can be!
  4. They are my why! That is where I come from. My family! I have such love for each and everyone of them! I want to be here for them and be the best version of me! I want to stand  back and watch as my nieces and nephews go through this life and become who they are meant to be. I want to be there for my brother, sister and mother. I do not want to hinder any of them. I want to show them how making the right decisions for myself have turned me around. No more reasons to worry about me, those days are over. This is the new me and we are going to be just fine!

    And those are my reasons why. These are the reasons why I am on this journey. I will make each of them proud as I go along this path.

Stressful Day!

I’m in a mood! We will see which direction this goes lol! It’s a sad day….#1 I had to take Anton back to work today after 2 wonderful weeks together! Luckily, I will be joining him in just 1 week! #2 I got another speeding ticket today! :O I managed to make it through most of my driving years and could say “I’ve never gotten a ticket” Until a few years ago….I seem to be trying to catch up for all the years I went ticketless! This time I was clueless! I honestly thought I was doing the correct speed limit! Had cruise set and everything! GrRRR!!!! I was as nervous as could be the rest of the ride home! Had a cop pull out behind me and it tore me to pieces until he finally passed me! #3 I have to go back to work in the morning after 6 days off!!! 😦 and to make it all worse…I am short staffed all week and have tons and tons of work to get done! I went in this evening after hours and did a little bit but couldn’t concentrate well enough to do anything major. #4 I have an issue that has me worrying….I am already doing everything I can do to resolve the issue at the moment, lots of sitting and waiting, which I am not good at! I try keeping it out of my mind since  no good can come from the constant worry, but it always seems to creep back up. I feel as if I am in need of a very good cry. One of those ugly face cries. I feel it building up!

On the bright side! We had a wonderful weekend away! We visited my family & Anton’s family. It was an extremely busy, on the go time, but lots of fun! My family proved yet again to be dysfunctional and full of drama! (Uggghh! Thanks guys!) While his family proved to be entertaining, fun, and so easy to be around! I love every second of our time together and I long for it the second we are not together. It’s gonna be a long week! I’m sure I will write more later! xoxo

Since You’ve Been Away I’ve Been Down & Lonely…

Today was another busy busy day at work! The busy days are great for keeping my mind off of missing my man! But it always sets in when I get home in the evenings and he’s busy working! I’m managing to stay somewhat positive and upbeat since our visit together. That small break in between the 3 week spread really helped! Now I just have to get through this week and then he’s home for a little bit before he leaves me again.

I’ve been worrying about my mom lately. When I call, she seems so down and lonely. I know she is missing my Dad. This time of year is hard for us. He loved this time of year, being outside, mowing grass, spreading mulch, planting flowers. He was always busy doing something outside. I realize it’s easier for us kids, we each have our own busy lives to keep us occupied. She has nothing to fill her days and nights. I’ve made an effort to try and call more frequently, and she seems to be enjoying that. We are going to visit this weekend and she is really looking forward to that. Money is a major worry for her. I really hate that for her. She  has worried over money and bills her entire life. It just seems that if you work hard and some point, sometime you should be rewarded for your hard work and given some relief. Which, don’t get me wrong, she is partly to blame, she has trouble budgeting and saving money, always has. But still, it just seems like you should be able to be a 70 year old widow and not have to worry about every penny and dime week to week. It’s sad. She can’t fix the things that are wrong with her house. She’s constantly filled with worry that something will break or something wil happen and she won’t have the money to fix it. I know our visit will do her good, and hopefully I will come home with a better feeling about her.

Well..I have lots I need to do before I make it to bed tonight. Not feeling like doing anything though! Hopefully if I turn on some music it will get me up and moving and I can check some things off my to do list! I have a trip and a homecoming to prepare for! I’ll write more tomorrow! Have a terrific Tuesday! xoxo

Life Lessons

Learning life’s little lessons can be very difficult. At 41 years old, I find myself still learning these lessons. I have found it is even harder to watch your child learn these same lessons. Whenever he hurts, I hurt. Whether it’s a skinned knee, or bruised ego…it hurts.  Today’s life lesson has been: “Relationships Don’t Last Forever” Someone he thought was his friend has turned on him. Kids today can  be so very mean with their words and actions! It is hard as a mother, as a teacher, as an adult to watch as they tear each other down. My hope is always that my son can and will rise above the drama, that he will be the better person in situations such as this and not stoop down to other’s levels. And I hope that when he is faced with a similar circumstance he is able to stop and think and remember this feeling and not cause pain to others. I want him to be the kid that sees the underdog others make fun of, tear down and for him to be the one to befriend him and build him up instead.

I also want him to learn from these types of situations. Not to be like his mother! Learn from your experiences and change things so they do not happen again. Not to be afraid to walk away from a relationship/friendship when it is no longer going in the right directions. If someone makes you feel bad about yourself, get away! Be strong and stand up for himself and what he knows and believes is right. To never hold anything back for fear of what others may think. I want him to be confident in himself and not let others have such an influence on that.

Everyday I see little parts of me that come out in him. Most of the time these things make me smile, to see the influence I have had on his personality. He is adopted, so nothing inherited from me, but his thoughts and actions can sometimes mimic mine exactly. For instance, he coped with todays hurt feelings by finding that perfect quote and posting it online. Something I have done too many times to count.

My first instinct was to let Mama Lion come roaring out. I held back and instead gave sage advice and lots of support. I will keep Mama Lion close by for awhile though, never know when she may be needed!

Pieces of My Puzzle

I always find it strange….the smallest moments, objects, or thoughts that will quickly turn my thoughts to my Dad. I always feel that same startling catch in my breath when it happens…almost as if I have forgotten for just a moment that he’s gone. Tonight it was jigsaw puzzles at Hobby Lobby. As soon as I saw them displayed at the end of the aisle I went straight over, my mind instantly thinking “I should get Dad another puzzle for Christmas”. He always loved working them especially during the winter. Then the reality of the past 8 months set in and I quickly pushed my buggy by the puzzle display. It’s hard losing a parent. Even as a 40 year old woman I’m left with a lost feeling without him being here. He was a part of me, I have so much of him inside of me. He’s one of the main reasons I felt compelled to start writing this blog. His death has left me with so many emotions. I’ve never lost anyone close to me before this and haven’t quite been sure how to handle the feelings. Maybe giving myself an outlet here for these thoughts will help not only me, but someone else who may stumble across these pages as well.

I found this quote several weeks ago….and was taken back with how true it really is.

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I see death differently now. Almost as if it is a club. I hear of someone losing a parent now and have a completely different reaction than I did before. I was always genuinely sympathetic before, but truly had no clue how the other person felt. Unfortunately, now I do identify completely. Each time I have heard of someone losing a parent I have felt that familar pain wash over me, upon hearing and/or reading any details, I am immediately taken back to my Daddy’s last few days. I wonder if it will always be this way….. will it always be so fresh, so new, so memorable for me. I know that there are things that I will never forget about those last few days.

I recently read a blog post by someone that had lost her mother. In this post she went over some details of her mother’s last few days. Of course I was able to identify with this, I had seen some of the same things, felt the same emotions, I had been in her shoes. I realized while reading this blog that I have never went over these types of details with anyone. Does anyone really want to hear these details? Hear about the things I saw that I will never be able to forget, the sounds I heard, the feelings I had. It’s a hard story to tell and just as hard to hear. I could talk about it with my family, but it’s hard for them to hear as well even though they did live it right beside me. We prefer to talk about our good memories, share the funny stories, relive the good times over and over. So for now my thoughts will go here, as I continue on this journey doing my best to live each day to its fullest….I know Daddy would approve! 🙂