My Reasons Why

My Weight Watchers journey is going great!!! I have lost 9 pounds in the last two weeks and have managed to follow the plan with great ease. I am working to extend my activity each day. I am loving how I am feeling already! Eating healthy really does make a huge difference! My refrigerator is stocked way more than it ever was when I was eating unhealthy food! I am cooking much more frequently and our eating out nights have been reduced drastica

lly! Our grocery bill has expanded…..but the eating out decrease is helping make up for that! We are both feeling amazing and are quite proud of ourselves! I have become addicted to the Weight Watchers Feed (very similar to a Facebook news feed) and spend every free moment looking for good recipes, meal planning, or prepping.

IMG_8096

A big part of the Weight Watchers Feed is sharing your “Whys”. Your “whys” are your reasons for wanting to be a better you. Your motivation for making these huge lifestyle changes that are going to make you a healthier, overall better, you! I am working on sharing my “whys” there as well and wanted to share them here as well. My whys are not numbered in any particular order, only numbered for identification purposes.

  1. He is my why! But not for the reasons that many may think. Not because he dislikes the way I look, or complains about the weight gains. Exactly the opposite lol! He is one of my whys because our love is such a special, precious gift. We had to wait most of our lives to receive this gift. It is such a rare gift, many people live their entire lives without ever finding anything even remotely similar. But we did, we defeated the odds, took an impossible situation and made it work. Upon meeting, we instantly knew “We just have to be together!”. And we were both willing to do whatever it took to make that happen. I had to wait 4o very long years to experience this kind of love. I am willing to do whatever it takes to stretch what time we have together. Classic case of the quote “I wish I had met you sooner so I could have loved you longer.” When we first started talking about changing to a healthy lifestyle way back in the beginning, he told me “I love you no matter what you weigh, but I want you to be the very best you that you can be and be here for me to love for a very long time.” And that is exactly what I am doing! I can’t wait to see what the rest of this life has to offer us and I am ready to take it on!
  2. He is my why! He has had my heart since that very first day I laid eyes on him. I have always tried to be a good mother, but I always knew I was not one for setting all the perfect examples of how one should live. He grew up in a “do as I say, not as I do” type of environment. I can remember him as an elementary student learning about the effects smoking has on one’s lungs. He came home very upset asking me and his dad to stop smoking, showing us the pictures in his books. I look back at that now and cannot imagine why that did not have an effect on me! How could I continue to smoke after that? But I did. I am now smoke free for 2 years! And he was so very impressed, supportive and proud. He takes pride in all my life changes. I also ended my addiction to Diet Mt. Dew. Now 99% of what I drink is water. He is supportive of my weight loss, and very encouraging. He pushes me through workouts, cheering me on and challenging me to do more. I lost my Dad when I was 40. I have often said 4o years was not long enough to be his daughter. I don’t want my lifestyle and choices to shorten the time Cutler has to have me as his Mom. I am going to do whatever it takes to try to be there for each of his milestones along the way! And to set the good example of how one should be living their lives, what foods they should be eating, what exercise they should be doing. I want him to learn from watching me, not just listening to me!
  3. She is my why! That is me! Most importantly and before all others I am doing this for myself! That is the only way it will work! I want to feel better about myself and in day to day activities. I want to be able to look into a mirror and have that “yes girl” reaction instead of “whhaaaattt!” I want to know I am making the best decisions for myself that I possibly can! I have struggled with happiness in the past and always had food there to support me. I am slowly, day by day learning that true happiness is only found inside of ones own self. Others cannot make me happy. If I am set on being miserable, it doesn’t matter what happens, that is how I will feel. I had to go out searching for myself for quite a while. For so long I had only been what everyone else wanted me to be! I did not know how to make a decision myself, was not even sure of my own true likes and dislikes. I just went with the flow. I did finally find myself along the way, and have slowly began to understand who I actually am. Now on to making me the very best me I can be!
  4. They are my why! That is where I come from. My family! I have such love for each and everyone of them! I want to be here for them and be the best version of me! I want to stand  back and watch as my nieces and nephews go through this life and become who they are meant to be. I want to be there for my brother, sister and mother. I do not want to hinder any of them. I want to show them how making the right decisions for myself have turned me around. No more reasons to worry about me, those days are over. This is the new me and we are going to be just fine!

    And those are my reasons why. These are the reasons why I am on this journey. I will make each of them proud as I go along this path.

Advertisements

The Song in my Head

The very first time I found and heard this song my initial reaction was, “wow, how morbid!”. I found and played it again and listened closely to the lyrics and bam! it hit me! THIS is how everyone should live their lives!!! Ever since my Daddy passed away I have promised to live life to it’s fullest, putting everything I had into each and every single day. Just like my Daddy did. When my time here is over, I want to leave with no regrets, no last minute “I wish I would have…” or ” I should have..” or “why didn’t I ever”. That’s what this song is about! I love Anton with my complete, full heart. He’s on my mind every second of each day. I’m always anticipating coming home to him at the end of the day, hoping he will walk through the door at work just stopping by to say hi because he was missing me, or missing him so intensely, counting each second until we can be together again. I want each one of my moments with him to last just a little bit longer. I do not want to take our time or his love for granted for even a second. Just think what a wonderful world it would be if everyone loved so deeply and thoroughly. Loving each other, with realization that this could be the last time you are with this person. Value each and every precious second you have together. I can see a much happier world full of smiling, extremely giddy and happy people! I know without a doubt that is what my plan is with my life. I will love you Anton, like I’m gonna lose you, kiss you just a little longer, taking in every moment I have with you.

Today was a great day! I was super motivated and focused at work. To do list in hand, checking items off, getting stuff done before I leave on my trip. In the midst of my work, a beautiful vase of flowers are delivered. The card said my name. My mouth fell open. No way, I said…who would send me flowers. I cautiously, slowly opened the card to find the words of the sweetest man I know! I was in complete shock! Ya see…my love is a practical man. He sees such things as flowers being delivered as frivolous, and impractical. They will just die. (Which is the same approach I’ve always had as well) But wow! It sure did feel amazing to be on the receiving end! I could feel his love beaming from that vase. Tears came to my eyes and the biggest smile crossed my lips. Thank you baby, you made my day, and made being without you just a fraction better!

I am woman hear me roar! That was my motto during my work meeting tonight. There are several major issues that needed addressing in a firm and serious matter. And that is my downfall!  But I knew the job had to be done, and I buckled down and got the point across. I was approached by several staff members after the meeting, some asking if I was referring to them, some commenting on how serious and mad I seemed about it, some apologizing for their mistakes and promising to improve. What more could I ask for? Now time to get ready for bed and prepare for my last day at work before I go meet up with my sweet, sweet Anton!!! xoxox

Summer is almost over!

This is the last stretch! The last run! I survived another summer! Whew! Close call though! In 2 1/2 days I will be back in my baby’s arms again! 🙂

I have made sure that I was super busy this weekend with finishing up things at work for the new school  year. I will be busy Monday & Tuesday too, then leave Wednesday morning to meet up with my man! I am so very tired, so tired and exhausted that I can’t sleep! I always think that is so crazy when it happens. But I feel very accomplished! I got a lot done this summer and everything is looking great! Now if only it can stay that way! There is still a few more things to do, but they will get done in time! I realized this weekend while working and thinking, that this is the very first year I have had to do all of this type work by myself…and I did it! (Pats self on back!)

I’m doing well with my diet. I am the lowest weight I have been since I started tracking my weight last September! Yay for me! Bought myself new tennis shoes as a reward! Oh and my lifestyle and tastes truly are changing…. I haven’t ate much this weekend cause I’ve been working so much, so today I was starving at lunch time and went and got a fast food hamburger and fries…I was so excited and couldn’t wait for that first bite…and ya know what? It really didn’t taste that great at all! I honestly think I would have rather had a good salad! What???!!!! Me? The fast food queen!?! What is going on!? 😉

I’ve been sad today though. It happens when he is away! My mind takes off and comes up with all kinds of wild ideas. And especially these last few trips with me being so busy and not having much time to spend chatting with him. Makes it much harder. Sigh…and now I’m home …..ready to chat ….and he’s having chicken tenders with the boys! Similar to last night when he was excited and all ready to chat and I had to go to sleep!

My kid can always seem to surprise me and always seems to know just what I need to hear! Today he came to help me at work when I asked, without a second of hesitation or argument, and when he saw all the work I had done he was so very complimentary! It made me smile, like really big! “Wow Mom this looks great! The kids will love it!” He can be such a sweetie!

Hmmm….how long does it take one to eat chicken tenders??? Going on 2 hrs now …. 😦  On a more positive note…I am beating his ex-girlfriend in a scrabble game 😉 Yay Me!

There is plenty I could be doing….the house needs a good cleaning again…laundry needs to be done….I have to pack for my trip….work that I could be doing. Hmm….which one shall I do?? Or maybe a nice, long, hot bath….ohhhh with wine..there’s still a bottle of wine in the fridge….that would hit the spot right now! Bath time! xoxo

Stressful Day!

I’m in a mood! We will see which direction this goes lol! It’s a sad day….#1 I had to take Anton back to work today after 2 wonderful weeks together! Luckily, I will be joining him in just 1 week! #2 I got another speeding ticket today! :O I managed to make it through most of my driving years and could say “I’ve never gotten a ticket” Until a few years ago….I seem to be trying to catch up for all the years I went ticketless! This time I was clueless! I honestly thought I was doing the correct speed limit! Had cruise set and everything! GrRRR!!!! I was as nervous as could be the rest of the ride home! Had a cop pull out behind me and it tore me to pieces until he finally passed me! #3 I have to go back to work in the morning after 6 days off!!! 😦 and to make it all worse…I am short staffed all week and have tons and tons of work to get done! I went in this evening after hours and did a little bit but couldn’t concentrate well enough to do anything major. #4 I have an issue that has me worrying….I am already doing everything I can do to resolve the issue at the moment, lots of sitting and waiting, which I am not good at! I try keeping it out of my mind since  no good can come from the constant worry, but it always seems to creep back up. I feel as if I am in need of a very good cry. One of those ugly face cries. I feel it building up!

On the bright side! We had a wonderful weekend away! We visited my family & Anton’s family. It was an extremely busy, on the go time, but lots of fun! My family proved yet again to be dysfunctional and full of drama! (Uggghh! Thanks guys!) While his family proved to be entertaining, fun, and so easy to be around! I love every second of our time together and I long for it the second we are not together. It’s gonna be a long week! I’m sure I will write more later! xoxo

Home Alone…again!

He’s gone once again! Only for a week this time though. It hasn’t been too terribly awful this time around. I’m super busy at work so that helps. It’s always the home time that it hits me. That’s when I miss him the most.

It’s Father’s Day Weekend…so of course Dad keeps creeping into my mind. I was just thinking about how grateful I am for having a Dad like mine. That taught me so many valuable, important life lessons. And I was thinking that if given the chance I’d give anything for just one more conversation. I’d let him talk as long as he wanted! He loved to laugh and make other people laugh, I’d let him tell me as many jokes as he could remember! But I really have nothing left unsaid with him. He died knowing how loved he was. He knew our feelings, how lucky we felt to have him as our Dad. That’s how my family is…we are open and free with our words. Maybe just a little dysfunctional but we do alright.

So..everyone has read about the shark attacks on a North Carolina beach I am sure. Welp my son is going to that very beach next week with his Dad and his family. I’m really trying very hard not to be THAT Mom that freaks out over the thought of him dipping his toes into that shark infested water. We’ve talked about it, and I really am not worried about it. He isn’t much of an ocean water boy anyway.

My favorite TV show comes back on tonight (Yay!) So that’s a big distraction for me. It only comes on in the summer so I have to wait all year for it to come back on. I have a busy busy weekend planned at work …my hope is I’ll be so tired when I get home I’ll just instantly crash! And wake up on Tuesday when it’s time for him to come home again lol!

I’m back on my diet again. More focused, motivated and dedicated than before! I’ve lost 2.4 lbs this week so far! today’s been a tough day for the diet. I’m hungry and want to cheat so bad! So far, so good though! Hope to at least get somewhat close to my goal weight by the end of August when I have a wedding to go to.

I’ve thought a lot about my friend today. I’ve been under the impression that things were going ok for us lately. We’ve spoken and talked at work each day. Things seemed a little less stressed and tense between us. But she makes a point to make it clear that she has no interest in me anymore. I’m sure she feels it’s the treatment I deserve. She posted several quotes on facebook today that I know were meant for me. My first instinct was to find an even better digging in quote to post on mine. But I stopped myself. That’s not who I want to be any longer. Still working on not judging others ..it’s an everyday struggle! But at least I can say I am more aware of when it happens now.

ok …that’s it for now…more later! Have a great evening!

Random Thoughts

Just realized I forgot to title my  last entry..I’ll have to fix that! Today was a good day, busy. Lots of work to do. I was very tired today and not quite sure why. I had plenty of great sleep last night, but was very unmotivated and sluggish. But I made it through! Came home this evening and took a nap. Felt so good. Then woke up and rushed to get my bags packed and the apartment somewhat neat and clean. I leave in the morning to go to Mom’s. She called tonight…very excited! She’s always said I’m her fun child, the one who can make her laugh no matter what her mood. That’s a big job on my shoulders. Especially through the past events with Dad. There were times I wasn’t able to be the family clown, I secluded inside myself and was very quiet (unusual for me) and it almost made me feel as if I was letting her down. She asks for so very little. Her spirits were much better tonight (not sure if it was b/c she was into the spirits though lol) My bro-in-law had came by earlier and fixed some things for her. She was pleased. I’m glad to hear an upbeat tone from her!

Work was a little drama filled, one staff that tends to take things over the crazy edge every now and then. Took a small tiny incident and turned it into a huge mountain of a moe hill. But all is handled now.

I follow Anton’s work on several media sites, lots of pics are posted throughout the day. I like knowing what he’s doing and what is going on. But looking at the beautiful scenery and all the activity really makes me miss the whole atmosphere. I wanna go back! I want to be with him and share this passion of his each and everyday! By his side is where I belong!

I’m still working on my “being more judge-mental of self than others” I can’t wait to be able to lay in bed with my man and discuss it and explore what is judge-mental and what is not. I love our snuggling times together. We talk about everything and could lay there like that for an entire weekend and neither of us would mind.

Time for bed now, long drive tomorrow! Only 2 days til I see him! It seems like it has been forever!!!!!

Embrace the positive!

2 things have been on my mind today.

First, is my Daddy…have thought of him all week long. Not sure why…maybe because I’m going to Mom’s this weekend. Driving there always brings him to mind, realizing he won’t be there to say “Hey Girlfriend, I’ve been waitin’ on you”, or  thinking of the drives I took when he was sick and in  the hospital and not knowing what I would be facing when I arrived. Maybe it’s the time of year, like I said in a previous post, this was his most favorite time of year, or maybe it’s Father’s Day. Last year when I went to WalMart at this time of year and saw the Father’s Day cards all on display I instantly had tears in my eyes, I put it off as being so close to his death…same reaction this  year though. Maybe it’s because I’ve been worried about Mom and know how badly she is missing him. Not sure of why, but hes’ been right there in the front of my mind all week long. Reliving the memories I will always cherish, feeling the love that will always be there, crying the tears that always manage to come. I am so very thankful that I was chosen to be his daughter. I will always honor him by living my life in the same ways he lived his. Fully and completely.

Number two, is a facebook post from last night:

“Let go of negative people and thoughts. Embrace positive people and those that build you up. Forgive. Be more judge-mental of self than others. .everyone makes mistakes. Have compassion and have fun!!! Life Is too short to regret. Love on purpose. Live on purpose. Be.”

Wow! What mind blowing, thought provoking words! What a way to live! Describes exactly how I want to live my life. Some parts of it I have managed to take on, other parts I am still working on everyday. Be more judge-mental of self than others…I’m going to concentrate on that one for right now. I know I need work on that and it’s a hard one . Passing judgement is so easy to do. I’ve let go of negative people, I do embrace positive people and love being around others that build me up. So  I’m going to try to stop myself and take the time to realize before I pass judgement. Wish me luck!!

P.S. 3 more days! then we are together again!

Since You’ve Been Away I’ve Been Down & Lonely…

Today was another busy busy day at work! The busy days are great for keeping my mind off of missing my man! But it always sets in when I get home in the evenings and he’s busy working! I’m managing to stay somewhat positive and upbeat since our visit together. That small break in between the 3 week spread really helped! Now I just have to get through this week and then he’s home for a little bit before he leaves me again.

I’ve been worrying about my mom lately. When I call, she seems so down and lonely. I know she is missing my Dad. This time of year is hard for us. He loved this time of year, being outside, mowing grass, spreading mulch, planting flowers. He was always busy doing something outside. I realize it’s easier for us kids, we each have our own busy lives to keep us occupied. She has nothing to fill her days and nights. I’ve made an effort to try and call more frequently, and she seems to be enjoying that. We are going to visit this weekend and she is really looking forward to that. Money is a major worry for her. I really hate that for her. She  has worried over money and bills her entire life. It just seems that if you work hard and some point, sometime you should be rewarded for your hard work and given some relief. Which, don’t get me wrong, she is partly to blame, she has trouble budgeting and saving money, always has. But still, it just seems like you should be able to be a 70 year old widow and not have to worry about every penny and dime week to week. It’s sad. She can’t fix the things that are wrong with her house. She’s constantly filled with worry that something will break or something wil happen and she won’t have the money to fix it. I know our visit will do her good, and hopefully I will come home with a better feeling about her.

Well..I have lots I need to do before I make it to bed tonight. Not feeling like doing anything though! Hopefully if I turn on some music it will get me up and moving and I can check some things off my to do list! I have a trip and a homecoming to prepare for! I’ll write more tomorrow! Have a terrific Tuesday! xoxo

8:30 p.m. is my favorite time of day!

Today was a rather calm, uneventful day. Lots of time to miss my man! I’m still being extra productive at work preparing for my absence next week. The drama was on the down side today. whew! Hired a new girl that will start tomorrow afternoon. My business is definitely on the way back up! I just hope we can all keep it there! I felt better today! Only had to take Advil once! woo hoo! It’s the little things that excite me! Had 2 good conversations with 2 of my staff members today..feeling good about that! Ya know….I had all these aspirations of all the stuff I was going to get done while he was gone…I haven’t done one thing at home! Maybe next weekend I will get it all done! I can’t wait til he gets home! I don’t remember him being quite this busy or unavailable last year 😦 . The time difference is a killer! When I can talk, he’s sleeping, when I can talk, he’s working …ugh! So that leaves his 5:30, my 8:30 dinner break. Which averages about 5 minutes that we can actually talk! These times are hard I tell ya! Hope they ease up soon!!!

I need my IT guy STAT! I think I accidentally deleted a bunch of files from one of my computer’s at work today. I had tried emailing the files to myself numerous times and it would not work. So I attempted to burn them onto a CD. Well…..I did something…clicked something ….and …..POOF GONE! I went to the recycle  bin and restored the folder ..whew….but…..can’t find it on the computer now and it’s not in the recycle bin and I ran a search and nothing! Oh well….I should have plenty of time next week to re-type everything! I really do miss my IT guy…resetting your own router is hard work!

My mind can sometimes go crazy while he’s away. All these crazy thoughts start slipping in. We just need to be together. Plain and simple! The End!

lol…I’ve deleted this blog twice now….click..click..click…thank goodness for “restore”!!!

A Phone Call Saved the Day!

What a day! Super emotional! #1….PMS ….#2…my baby is gone  #3…work drama   #4….lack of sleep   #5…I’m siiiccckkk

Friendship and work ……very, very thin lines. I have made the mistake of crossing that line in the past. I was weak and alone and needing guidance and a confidant. And who else to turn to if not the people I spend all day long with! Wrong Answer. Looking back …I see how wrong it was, and how they took advantage of the situation. I am an open person, I attempt to put up walls but I’m never very successful. So I find it difficult to work closely with another person and not become close with them. But as the boss, it is something I must really work hard on in the future. All leading up to today’s drama. A employee posted an article on facebook about why good employees quit. Of course it was due to poor management! It crossed a line. I take it very personal. It hurt. I don’t want to be the person who says “I can’t believe she did this to me after all I have done for her” I really don’t want to be that person, but it is a hard battle. I hate confrontation. I despise it and avoid it at all cost! Another weakness I must work on. I didn’t approach the staff member with this issue today. For one reason, I was too emotionally charged. I needed time. I also feel as if she is only making herself look bad in other’s eyes. Other staff members were shocked at the post and took on the stance of “what nerve she has” Almost laughing at her and how stupid she made herself look. They all know they have it made at work. They get off anytime they ask, no matter how short notice, the job is somewhat stressful, but is pretty easy. I’m a laid back boss, so not a high stress situation. I’d do anything to help anyone of them. So, of course I take this to heart. Live and learn…

The rest of my day…

I was productive and got lots done! I love days like that! I am preparing for my trip to see my lovely Anton Saturday and gathering work to take with me. I can’t wait to see him! I miss him so very much! I didn’t sleep well again last night! I’m so used to having him beside me…touching me…reaching for me. I have had to stop and ask myself; do I take him for granted when he is here? Do I need these breaks to keep myself from doing that? To make me cherish each and every second with him. I feel like I do that on a regular basis….but on days like this when I want nothing more than to come home after a long day of work and just sit and cuddle with him  I honestly hope I never take that for granted!

We got word at work that our rating will be on Tuesday the 26th…I won’t be there…but my girls are pumped and ready! I have full confidence in them!

How could a day like this end you say??? With a phone call from the sweetest man alive! Thank you baby! Hearing your voice made it all better! Oh, and to top it off….my girl on the Voice didn’t win 😦 2nd place!

That’s all for today!

Hurry home Anton! xoxox