And so it begins…….again

Summer has arrived. Not officially I realize, but in my world summer is here. Kids are out of school and my man is off to work! Busy season for me! Lots to be done at work and home! Just got home today from a wonderful visit with my sweet man at work. 5 amazing days together. Now to make it through the next 5 until we are together again, even if only for  a few short days. I explained it perfectly while we were together this week…..when we are together, even if he’s working or I’m working, or whatever we may be involved in….I know without a doubt I am his number 1, first, most important priority. He spoils me in that way. Always eager to give me his complete, undivided attention, to listen closely as I ramble on about trivial topics and adventures throughout my day. Sometimes he chimes in and ask questions or offers advice, other times he just looks kind of confused and wonders why I am rambling on about the topic. But his attention never wavers, it is always there! He reaches out and touches me constantly. It’s funny….he thinks I get tired of the touching…that it becomes overwhelming. So far from the truth. I love each and every touch, every brush of the hand, I feel his touch and I am instantly reminded of the love he has for me. It’s quite a wonderful feeling. Then, duty calls and he’s off to work. Yes, he works while he is here sometimes too but even on his most focused projects I know he is there and always happy when I stop by his computer to give him a quick hug while he works. It’s when he goes away to work that I no longer feel I am the priority. There are way too many other forces pulling for his attention. When I am there with him, he works and is busy and is pulled in different directions….and I am right beside him. Now that I’m home the texts are few and far between and seconds, minutes, hours go by without a reply. The feeling of  being his #1 priority immediately begins to disappear. Tonight, I am tired, it has been a long day with a long drive and a long afternoon catching up at work. Tomorrow will be better, lots of work to do to keep me busy. There will be no spare time for self-pity and ‘Waaah Waaaahh” moments. The sun will come out and it will be a new day….and one day closer to being with my love again. Here’s to hoping I survive another long summer!

My Reasons Why

My Weight Watchers journey is going great!!! I have lost 9 pounds in the last two weeks and have managed to follow the plan with great ease. I am working to extend my activity each day. I am loving how I am feeling already! Eating healthy really does make a huge difference! My refrigerator is stocked way more than it ever was when I was eating unhealthy food! I am cooking much more frequently and our eating out nights have been reduced drastica

lly! Our grocery bill has expanded…..but the eating out decrease is helping make up for that! We are both feeling amazing and are quite proud of ourselves! I have become addicted to the Weight Watchers Feed (very similar to a Facebook news feed) and spend every free moment looking for good recipes, meal planning, or prepping.

IMG_8096

A big part of the Weight Watchers Feed is sharing your “Whys”. Your “whys” are your reasons for wanting to be a better you. Your motivation for making these huge lifestyle changes that are going to make you a healthier, overall better, you! I am working on sharing my “whys” there as well and wanted to share them here as well. My whys are not numbered in any particular order, only numbered for identification purposes.

  1. He is my why! But not for the reasons that many may think. Not because he dislikes the way I look, or complains about the weight gains. Exactly the opposite lol! He is one of my whys because our love is such a special, precious gift. We had to wait most of our lives to receive this gift. It is such a rare gift, many people live their entire lives without ever finding anything even remotely similar. But we did, we defeated the odds, took an impossible situation and made it work. Upon meeting, we instantly knew “We just have to be together!”. And we were both willing to do whatever it took to make that happen. I had to wait 4o very long years to experience this kind of love. I am willing to do whatever it takes to stretch what time we have together. Classic case of the quote “I wish I had met you sooner so I could have loved you longer.” When we first started talking about changing to a healthy lifestyle way back in the beginning, he told me “I love you no matter what you weigh, but I want you to be the very best you that you can be and be here for me to love for a very long time.” And that is exactly what I am doing! I can’t wait to see what the rest of this life has to offer us and I am ready to take it on!
  2. He is my why! He has had my heart since that very first day I laid eyes on him. I have always tried to be a good mother, but I always knew I was not one for setting all the perfect examples of how one should live. He grew up in a “do as I say, not as I do” type of environment. I can remember him as an elementary student learning about the effects smoking has on one’s lungs. He came home very upset asking me and his dad to stop smoking, showing us the pictures in his books. I look back at that now and cannot imagine why that did not have an effect on me! How could I continue to smoke after that? But I did. I am now smoke free for 2 years! And he was so very impressed, supportive and proud. He takes pride in all my life changes. I also ended my addiction to Diet Mt. Dew. Now 99% of what I drink is water. He is supportive of my weight loss, and very encouraging. He pushes me through workouts, cheering me on and challenging me to do more. I lost my Dad when I was 40. I have often said 4o years was not long enough to be his daughter. I don’t want my lifestyle and choices to shorten the time Cutler has to have me as his Mom. I am going to do whatever it takes to try to be there for each of his milestones along the way! And to set the good example of how one should be living their lives, what foods they should be eating, what exercise they should be doing. I want him to learn from watching me, not just listening to me!
  3. She is my why! That is me! Most importantly and before all others I am doing this for myself! That is the only way it will work! I want to feel better about myself and in day to day activities. I want to be able to look into a mirror and have that “yes girl” reaction instead of “whhaaaattt!” I want to know I am making the best decisions for myself that I possibly can! I have struggled with happiness in the past and always had food there to support me. I am slowly, day by day learning that true happiness is only found inside of ones own self. Others cannot make me happy. If I am set on being miserable, it doesn’t matter what happens, that is how I will feel. I had to go out searching for myself for quite a while. For so long I had only been what everyone else wanted me to be! I did not know how to make a decision myself, was not even sure of my own true likes and dislikes. I just went with the flow. I did finally find myself along the way, and have slowly began to understand who I actually am. Now on to making me the very best me I can be!
  4. They are my why! That is where I come from. My family! I have such love for each and everyone of them! I want to be here for them and be the best version of me! I want to stand  back and watch as my nieces and nephews go through this life and become who they are meant to be. I want to be there for my brother, sister and mother. I do not want to hinder any of them. I want to show them how making the right decisions for myself have turned me around. No more reasons to worry about me, those days are over. This is the new me and we are going to be just fine!

    And those are my reasons why. These are the reasons why I am on this journey. I will make each of them proud as I go along this path.

The Song in my Head

The very first time I found and heard this song my initial reaction was, “wow, how morbid!”. I found and played it again and listened closely to the lyrics and bam! it hit me! THIS is how everyone should live their lives!!! Ever since my Daddy passed away I have promised to live life to it’s fullest, putting everything I had into each and every single day. Just like my Daddy did. When my time here is over, I want to leave with no regrets, no last minute “I wish I would have…” or ” I should have..” or “why didn’t I ever”. That’s what this song is about! I love Anton with my complete, full heart. He’s on my mind every second of each day. I’m always anticipating coming home to him at the end of the day, hoping he will walk through the door at work just stopping by to say hi because he was missing me, or missing him so intensely, counting each second until we can be together again. I want each one of my moments with him to last just a little bit longer. I do not want to take our time or his love for granted for even a second. Just think what a wonderful world it would be if everyone loved so deeply and thoroughly. Loving each other, with realization that this could be the last time you are with this person. Value each and every precious second you have together. I can see a much happier world full of smiling, extremely giddy and happy people! I know without a doubt that is what my plan is with my life. I will love you Anton, like I’m gonna lose you, kiss you just a little longer, taking in every moment I have with you.

Today was a great day! I was super motivated and focused at work. To do list in hand, checking items off, getting stuff done before I leave on my trip. In the midst of my work, a beautiful vase of flowers are delivered. The card said my name. My mouth fell open. No way, I said…who would send me flowers. I cautiously, slowly opened the card to find the words of the sweetest man I know! I was in complete shock! Ya see…my love is a practical man. He sees such things as flowers being delivered as frivolous, and impractical. They will just die. (Which is the same approach I’ve always had as well) But wow! It sure did feel amazing to be on the receiving end! I could feel his love beaming from that vase. Tears came to my eyes and the biggest smile crossed my lips. Thank you baby, you made my day, and made being without you just a fraction better!

I am woman hear me roar! That was my motto during my work meeting tonight. There are several major issues that needed addressing in a firm and serious matter. And that is my downfall!  But I knew the job had to be done, and I buckled down and got the point across. I was approached by several staff members after the meeting, some asking if I was referring to them, some commenting on how serious and mad I seemed about it, some apologizing for their mistakes and promising to improve. What more could I ask for? Now time to get ready for bed and prepare for my last day at work before I go meet up with my sweet, sweet Anton!!! xoxox

Summer is almost over!

This is the last stretch! The last run! I survived another summer! Whew! Close call though! In 2 1/2 days I will be back in my baby’s arms again! 🙂

I have made sure that I was super busy this weekend with finishing up things at work for the new school  year. I will be busy Monday & Tuesday too, then leave Wednesday morning to meet up with my man! I am so very tired, so tired and exhausted that I can’t sleep! I always think that is so crazy when it happens. But I feel very accomplished! I got a lot done this summer and everything is looking great! Now if only it can stay that way! There is still a few more things to do, but they will get done in time! I realized this weekend while working and thinking, that this is the very first year I have had to do all of this type work by myself…and I did it! (Pats self on back!)

I’m doing well with my diet. I am the lowest weight I have been since I started tracking my weight last September! Yay for me! Bought myself new tennis shoes as a reward! Oh and my lifestyle and tastes truly are changing…. I haven’t ate much this weekend cause I’ve been working so much, so today I was starving at lunch time and went and got a fast food hamburger and fries…I was so excited and couldn’t wait for that first bite…and ya know what? It really didn’t taste that great at all! I honestly think I would have rather had a good salad! What???!!!! Me? The fast food queen!?! What is going on!? 😉

I’ve been sad today though. It happens when he is away! My mind takes off and comes up with all kinds of wild ideas. And especially these last few trips with me being so busy and not having much time to spend chatting with him. Makes it much harder. Sigh…and now I’m home …..ready to chat ….and he’s having chicken tenders with the boys! Similar to last night when he was excited and all ready to chat and I had to go to sleep!

My kid can always seem to surprise me and always seems to know just what I need to hear! Today he came to help me at work when I asked, without a second of hesitation or argument, and when he saw all the work I had done he was so very complimentary! It made me smile, like really big! “Wow Mom this looks great! The kids will love it!” He can be such a sweetie!

Hmmm….how long does it take one to eat chicken tenders??? Going on 2 hrs now …. 😦  On a more positive note…I am beating his ex-girlfriend in a scrabble game 😉 Yay Me!

There is plenty I could be doing….the house needs a good cleaning again…laundry needs to be done….I have to pack for my trip….work that I could be doing. Hmm….which one shall I do?? Or maybe a nice, long, hot bath….ohhhh with wine..there’s still a bottle of wine in the fridge….that would hit the spot right now! Bath time! xoxo

Home Alone…again!

He’s gone once again! Only for a week this time though. It hasn’t been too terribly awful this time around. I’m super busy at work so that helps. It’s always the home time that it hits me. That’s when I miss him the most.

It’s Father’s Day Weekend…so of course Dad keeps creeping into my mind. I was just thinking about how grateful I am for having a Dad like mine. That taught me so many valuable, important life lessons. And I was thinking that if given the chance I’d give anything for just one more conversation. I’d let him talk as long as he wanted! He loved to laugh and make other people laugh, I’d let him tell me as many jokes as he could remember! But I really have nothing left unsaid with him. He died knowing how loved he was. He knew our feelings, how lucky we felt to have him as our Dad. That’s how my family is…we are open and free with our words. Maybe just a little dysfunctional but we do alright.

So..everyone has read about the shark attacks on a North Carolina beach I am sure. Welp my son is going to that very beach next week with his Dad and his family. I’m really trying very hard not to be THAT Mom that freaks out over the thought of him dipping his toes into that shark infested water. We’ve talked about it, and I really am not worried about it. He isn’t much of an ocean water boy anyway.

My favorite TV show comes back on tonight (Yay!) So that’s a big distraction for me. It only comes on in the summer so I have to wait all year for it to come back on. I have a busy busy weekend planned at work …my hope is I’ll be so tired when I get home I’ll just instantly crash! And wake up on Tuesday when it’s time for him to come home again lol!

I’m back on my diet again. More focused, motivated and dedicated than before! I’ve lost 2.4 lbs this week so far! today’s been a tough day for the diet. I’m hungry and want to cheat so bad! So far, so good though! Hope to at least get somewhat close to my goal weight by the end of August when I have a wedding to go to.

I’ve thought a lot about my friend today. I’ve been under the impression that things were going ok for us lately. We’ve spoken and talked at work each day. Things seemed a little less stressed and tense between us. But she makes a point to make it clear that she has no interest in me anymore. I’m sure she feels it’s the treatment I deserve. She posted several quotes on facebook today that I know were meant for me. My first instinct was to find an even better digging in quote to post on mine. But I stopped myself. That’s not who I want to be any longer. Still working on not judging others ..it’s an everyday struggle! But at least I can say I am more aware of when it happens now.

ok …that’s it for now…more later! Have a great evening!

Random Thoughts

Just realized I forgot to title my  last entry..I’ll have to fix that! Today was a good day, busy. Lots of work to do. I was very tired today and not quite sure why. I had plenty of great sleep last night, but was very unmotivated and sluggish. But I made it through! Came home this evening and took a nap. Felt so good. Then woke up and rushed to get my bags packed and the apartment somewhat neat and clean. I leave in the morning to go to Mom’s. She called tonight…very excited! She’s always said I’m her fun child, the one who can make her laugh no matter what her mood. That’s a big job on my shoulders. Especially through the past events with Dad. There were times I wasn’t able to be the family clown, I secluded inside myself and was very quiet (unusual for me) and it almost made me feel as if I was letting her down. She asks for so very little. Her spirits were much better tonight (not sure if it was b/c she was into the spirits though lol) My bro-in-law had came by earlier and fixed some things for her. She was pleased. I’m glad to hear an upbeat tone from her!

Work was a little drama filled, one staff that tends to take things over the crazy edge every now and then. Took a small tiny incident and turned it into a huge mountain of a moe hill. But all is handled now.

I follow Anton’s work on several media sites, lots of pics are posted throughout the day. I like knowing what he’s doing and what is going on. But looking at the beautiful scenery and all the activity really makes me miss the whole atmosphere. I wanna go back! I want to be with him and share this passion of his each and everyday! By his side is where I belong!

I’m still working on my “being more judge-mental of self than others” I can’t wait to be able to lay in bed with my man and discuss it and explore what is judge-mental and what is not. I love our snuggling times together. We talk about everything and could lay there like that for an entire weekend and neither of us would mind.

Time for bed now, long drive tomorrow! Only 2 days til I see him! It seems like it has been forever!!!!!

Embrace the positive!

2 things have been on my mind today.

First, is my Daddy…have thought of him all week long. Not sure why…maybe because I’m going to Mom’s this weekend. Driving there always brings him to mind, realizing he won’t be there to say “Hey Girlfriend, I’ve been waitin’ on you”, or  thinking of the drives I took when he was sick and in  the hospital and not knowing what I would be facing when I arrived. Maybe it’s the time of year, like I said in a previous post, this was his most favorite time of year, or maybe it’s Father’s Day. Last year when I went to WalMart at this time of year and saw the Father’s Day cards all on display I instantly had tears in my eyes, I put it off as being so close to his death…same reaction this  year though. Maybe it’s because I’ve been worried about Mom and know how badly she is missing him. Not sure of why, but hes’ been right there in the front of my mind all week long. Reliving the memories I will always cherish, feeling the love that will always be there, crying the tears that always manage to come. I am so very thankful that I was chosen to be his daughter. I will always honor him by living my life in the same ways he lived his. Fully and completely.

Number two, is a facebook post from last night:

“Let go of negative people and thoughts. Embrace positive people and those that build you up. Forgive. Be more judge-mental of self than others. .everyone makes mistakes. Have compassion and have fun!!! Life Is too short to regret. Love on purpose. Live on purpose. Be.”

Wow! What mind blowing, thought provoking words! What a way to live! Describes exactly how I want to live my life. Some parts of it I have managed to take on, other parts I am still working on everyday. Be more judge-mental of self than others…I’m going to concentrate on that one for right now. I know I need work on that and it’s a hard one . Passing judgement is so easy to do. I’ve let go of negative people, I do embrace positive people and love being around others that build me up. So  I’m going to try to stop myself and take the time to realize before I pass judgement. Wish me luck!!

P.S. 3 more days! then we are together again!

Since You’ve Been Away I’ve Been Down & Lonely…

Today was another busy busy day at work! The busy days are great for keeping my mind off of missing my man! But it always sets in when I get home in the evenings and he’s busy working! I’m managing to stay somewhat positive and upbeat since our visit together. That small break in between the 3 week spread really helped! Now I just have to get through this week and then he’s home for a little bit before he leaves me again.

I’ve been worrying about my mom lately. When I call, she seems so down and lonely. I know she is missing my Dad. This time of year is hard for us. He loved this time of year, being outside, mowing grass, spreading mulch, planting flowers. He was always busy doing something outside. I realize it’s easier for us kids, we each have our own busy lives to keep us occupied. She has nothing to fill her days and nights. I’ve made an effort to try and call more frequently, and she seems to be enjoying that. We are going to visit this weekend and she is really looking forward to that. Money is a major worry for her. I really hate that for her. She  has worried over money and bills her entire life. It just seems that if you work hard and some point, sometime you should be rewarded for your hard work and given some relief. Which, don’t get me wrong, she is partly to blame, she has trouble budgeting and saving money, always has. But still, it just seems like you should be able to be a 70 year old widow and not have to worry about every penny and dime week to week. It’s sad. She can’t fix the things that are wrong with her house. She’s constantly filled with worry that something will break or something wil happen and she won’t have the money to fix it. I know our visit will do her good, and hopefully I will come home with a better feeling about her.

Well..I have lots I need to do before I make it to bed tonight. Not feeling like doing anything though! Hopefully if I turn on some music it will get me up and moving and I can check some things off my to do list! I have a trip and a homecoming to prepare for! I’ll write more tomorrow! Have a terrific Tuesday! xoxo

What an Amazing Week!

I had a fabulous trip to see my sweet man! It went by very quickly, but at the same time, it was like time was standing still. Nothing else matters when we are together like that. No outside stresses..just each other and time to be together. It’s absolutely perfect! We spent our mornings going on walks and short hikes. (I felt like they were real hikes, until I’ve seen pics of what he has hiked since I left lol) The scenery was beautiful, breathtaking, indescribable. You have to experience it to get it’s beauty. Snow capped mountains, trees as tall as you can see, water falls, streams, rivers, bridges, animals, I soaked up every detail and every second. I’ll post a few pics at the end. It’s ok to step out of the box, remove yourself from your comfort zones from time to time. The old me would have never imagined enjoying this type of thing. But I do truly love it. And it makes me feel amazing! Win Win! The afternoons were spent with us both working. I would sit on the sidelines with my laptop typing away trying to get ahead at work. He would do his thing and I was blown away by the effect he has on the kids he works with. I knew he was something special….but I get to see a part of him that not many get to see. These kids get to see it. They get him totally. And they love him and respect his praise and opinion. I loved being apart of the life he is so passionate about. The evenings were spent with a great group of friends. Lots of laughs and fun times. Being with him every second of the day is the best possible scenario for me. It’s when we are our best! I can’t imagine ever wishing he would go to work, or that I could be alone. It’s just too good when we are together. Which is why it sucks so terribly awfully bad when we are apart! I’ve done really good at staying busy so far. But I’m getting that bummed feeling coming on again! One more week! I can do it! 037 558 512

Rainy Days & Monday’s always get me down (It’s rainy here!)

I’m sad tonight. I don’t really think I’ve ever really missed someone like I do him .My ex husband used to go out of town. I don’t recall ever truly missing him. I remember feeling ahhhh me time! But never laying in bed longing for him. Missing his touch …noope never. This is almost consuming me. Atleast when I’m at home. At work I can stay busy enough to deal. At home I just sit here ….and cry. That’s silly though. He’s coming back. He hasn’t left me for good. But I just want him here. EVen if that is completely irrational, it is what I want. Part of me wants to get on my knees and beg him to come home and never go back again. I won’t do that though. I haven’t entirely lost my mind…yet. And I’m a morbid-like person..when I’m sad I surround myself with sadness. How sad is that?? I sat here all evening long and watched clips from Grey’s Anatomy.

OK snap out of it…geez! Re-cap of my day:

Busy and productive again. I have everything ready for my absence and everything ready to work on while I’m gone. New girl started today and she did very good. I interviewed a daughter of our music teacher today for a part time position in the fall. I can remember when her mother was pregnant with her..wow I’m old. I think my work drama/tension has fed my sad feelings this week. I feel almost alienate  there. Hopefully things will improve soon. I feel better now. Writing my feelings out really does help! Tomorrow will be better! Super busy day at work then I HAVE to get things done here and pack for my trip!