The Song in my Head

The very first time I found and heard this song my initial reaction was, “wow, how morbid!”. I found and played it again and listened closely to the lyrics and bam! it hit me! THIS is how everyone should live their lives!!! Ever since my Daddy passed away I have promised to live life to it’s fullest, putting everything I had into each and every single day. Just like my Daddy did. When my time here is over, I want to leave with no regrets, no last minute “I wish I would have…” or ” I should have..” or “why didn’t I ever”. That’s what this song is about! I love Anton with my complete, full heart. He’s on my mind every second of each day. I’m always anticipating coming home to him at the end of the day, hoping he will walk through the door at work just stopping by to say hi because he was missing me, or missing him so intensely, counting each second until we can be together again. I want each one of my moments with him to last just a little bit longer. I do not want to take our time or his love for granted for even a second. Just think what a wonderful world it would be if everyone loved so deeply and thoroughly. Loving each other, with realization that this could be the last time you are with this person. Value each and every precious second you have together. I can see a much happier world full of smiling, extremely giddy and happy people! I know without a doubt that is what my plan is with my life. I will love you Anton, like I’m gonna lose you, kiss you just a little longer, taking in every moment I have with you.

Today was a great day! I was super motivated and focused at work. To do list in hand, checking items off, getting stuff done before I leave on my trip. In the midst of my work, a beautiful vase of flowers are delivered. The card said my name. My mouth fell open. No way, I said…who would send me flowers. I cautiously, slowly opened the card to find the words of the sweetest man I know! I was in complete shock! Ya see…my love is a practical man. He sees such things as flowers being delivered as frivolous, and impractical. They will just die. (Which is the same approach I’ve always had as well) But wow! It sure did feel amazing to be on the receiving end! I could feel his love beaming from that vase. Tears came to my eyes and the biggest smile crossed my lips. Thank you baby, you made my day, and made being without you just a fraction better!

I am woman hear me roar! That was my motto during my work meeting tonight. There are several major issues that needed addressing in a firm and serious matter. And that is my downfall!  But I knew the job had to be done, and I buckled down and got the point across. I was approached by several staff members after the meeting, some asking if I was referring to them, some commenting on how serious and mad I seemed about it, some apologizing for their mistakes and promising to improve. What more could I ask for? Now time to get ready for bed and prepare for my last day at work before I go meet up with my sweet, sweet Anton!!! xoxox

Advertisements

Home Alone…again!

He’s gone once again! Only for a week this time though. It hasn’t been too terribly awful this time around. I’m super busy at work so that helps. It’s always the home time that it hits me. That’s when I miss him the most.

It’s Father’s Day Weekend…so of course Dad keeps creeping into my mind. I was just thinking about how grateful I am for having a Dad like mine. That taught me so many valuable, important life lessons. And I was thinking that if given the chance I’d give anything for just one more conversation. I’d let him talk as long as he wanted! He loved to laugh and make other people laugh, I’d let him tell me as many jokes as he could remember! But I really have nothing left unsaid with him. He died knowing how loved he was. He knew our feelings, how lucky we felt to have him as our Dad. That’s how my family is…we are open and free with our words. Maybe just a little dysfunctional but we do alright.

So..everyone has read about the shark attacks on a North Carolina beach I am sure. Welp my son is going to that very beach next week with his Dad and his family. I’m really trying very hard not to be THAT Mom that freaks out over the thought of him dipping his toes into that shark infested water. We’ve talked about it, and I really am not worried about it. He isn’t much of an ocean water boy anyway.

My favorite TV show comes back on tonight (Yay!) So that’s a big distraction for me. It only comes on in the summer so I have to wait all year for it to come back on. I have a busy busy weekend planned at work …my hope is I’ll be so tired when I get home I’ll just instantly crash! And wake up on Tuesday when it’s time for him to come home again lol!

I’m back on my diet again. More focused, motivated and dedicated than before! I’ve lost 2.4 lbs this week so far! today’s been a tough day for the diet. I’m hungry and want to cheat so bad! So far, so good though! Hope to at least get somewhat close to my goal weight by the end of August when I have a wedding to go to.

I’ve thought a lot about my friend today. I’ve been under the impression that things were going ok for us lately. We’ve spoken and talked at work each day. Things seemed a little less stressed and tense between us. But she makes a point to make it clear that she has no interest in me anymore. I’m sure she feels it’s the treatment I deserve. She posted several quotes on facebook today that I know were meant for me. My first instinct was to find an even better digging in quote to post on mine. But I stopped myself. That’s not who I want to be any longer. Still working on not judging others ..it’s an everyday struggle! But at least I can say I am more aware of when it happens now.

ok …that’s it for now…more later! Have a great evening!

Embrace the positive!

2 things have been on my mind today.

First, is my Daddy…have thought of him all week long. Not sure why…maybe because I’m going to Mom’s this weekend. Driving there always brings him to mind, realizing he won’t be there to say “Hey Girlfriend, I’ve been waitin’ on you”, or  thinking of the drives I took when he was sick and in  the hospital and not knowing what I would be facing when I arrived. Maybe it’s the time of year, like I said in a previous post, this was his most favorite time of year, or maybe it’s Father’s Day. Last year when I went to WalMart at this time of year and saw the Father’s Day cards all on display I instantly had tears in my eyes, I put it off as being so close to his death…same reaction this  year though. Maybe it’s because I’ve been worried about Mom and know how badly she is missing him. Not sure of why, but hes’ been right there in the front of my mind all week long. Reliving the memories I will always cherish, feeling the love that will always be there, crying the tears that always manage to come. I am so very thankful that I was chosen to be his daughter. I will always honor him by living my life in the same ways he lived his. Fully and completely.

Number two, is a facebook post from last night:

“Let go of negative people and thoughts. Embrace positive people and those that build you up. Forgive. Be more judge-mental of self than others. .everyone makes mistakes. Have compassion and have fun!!! Life Is too short to regret. Love on purpose. Live on purpose. Be.”

Wow! What mind blowing, thought provoking words! What a way to live! Describes exactly how I want to live my life. Some parts of it I have managed to take on, other parts I am still working on everyday. Be more judge-mental of self than others…I’m going to concentrate on that one for right now. I know I need work on that and it’s a hard one . Passing judgement is so easy to do. I’ve let go of negative people, I do embrace positive people and love being around others that build me up. So  I’m going to try to stop myself and take the time to realize before I pass judgement. Wish me luck!!

P.S. 3 more days! then we are together again!

“I believe that we can be extraordinary together rather than ordinary apart.”

O.K….here’s my take on all the Grey’s Anatomy drama recently. I used to watch Grey’s religiously, I never missed an episode during the first few years. I loved the music, the characters, the heartwrenching storylines, the quotes, oh how I loved the quotes (If you will look back, a Grey’s quote is how I began my first entry in this blog) When Meredith announced that Christina was “her person” I had to have a person too! Over time, I lost interest and quit watching.

Last week all of the “Dr. Shephard death” posts on facebook caught my eye and peaked my interest. I watched the episode online and did the whole ugly cry thing. The bf (let’s call him Anton from here on out) looked over and said “Are you really crying from a T.V. show?” My reply, “Yesssss sniff, sniff” I then explained, he was her love, her one true love, he was the one for her, her one big, huge, love of her life. They fought so hard along the way to be together and they made it work. They made it to their happy ending. And now he’s gone. What is she supposed to do?? I feel that, I have finally found my big, true love with Anton and to lose him now would be unimaginable. So, yes…I cried…hard! He consoled me, unjudging, and without laughing.

This week, we watched the 2 hour episode that showed everyone else’s reaction to the death of McDreamy. Several things about the episode have stayed in my mind throughout the weekend. First, how the death of someone close to you causes everyone to stop and take a long look at their own life and how they are living it. And deciding to make the necessary changes to live life to it’s abosolute fullest potential. They say I Love You more than they did before, they don’t take the little things for granted, they wake up each morning ready to face the day and whatever it may offer. I know I felt these very same things when I lost my Daddy last year. It proved just how short life is to me. I just find it sad that it takes us losing someone to bring out this reaction. We should have been living our lives this way for years.

Another part of the episode that stayed with me is Dr. Baileys reaction. Even when I go over it now in my head, tears come to my eyes. Dr. Bailey explained to her man how with her ex husband she could imagine him being gone, and knew she would be O.K. But with him, he is such a part of her, that when she imagines something happening to him, she can’t see herself ever being O.K. “I love you too much” she says. I so feel this. I have a somewhat morbid mind I guess. I would imagine something happening to my ex (both of them) , and I was always o.k. afterwards. But with Anton, when I think of such things, it gets hard to breathe. He is a piece of me. I can’t go on if he’s not here beside me. He doesn’t believe in fate or soulmates, I really don’t either…..however, something brought us together. Our paths crossed in  an unconventional way, at just the right time in both of our lives for some reason. We both lost a parent within 2 months of knowing each other, we were there for each other and helped each other feel the huge void that was missing in our lives. My life has changed so greatly in so many positive ways since Anton came into my life. I am holding on tight and never letting him go!

Pieces of My Puzzle

I always find it strange….the smallest moments, objects, or thoughts that will quickly turn my thoughts to my Dad. I always feel that same startling catch in my breath when it happens…almost as if I have forgotten for just a moment that he’s gone. Tonight it was jigsaw puzzles at Hobby Lobby. As soon as I saw them displayed at the end of the aisle I went straight over, my mind instantly thinking “I should get Dad another puzzle for Christmas”. He always loved working them especially during the winter. Then the reality of the past 8 months set in and I quickly pushed my buggy by the puzzle display. It’s hard losing a parent. Even as a 40 year old woman I’m left with a lost feeling without him being here. He was a part of me, I have so much of him inside of me. He’s one of the main reasons I felt compelled to start writing this blog. His death has left me with so many emotions. I’ve never lost anyone close to me before this and haven’t quite been sure how to handle the feelings. Maybe giving myself an outlet here for these thoughts will help not only me, but someone else who may stumble across these pages as well.

I found this quote several weeks ago….and was taken back with how true it really is.

dad

I see death differently now. Almost as if it is a club. I hear of someone losing a parent now and have a completely different reaction than I did before. I was always genuinely sympathetic before, but truly had no clue how the other person felt. Unfortunately, now I do identify completely. Each time I have heard of someone losing a parent I have felt that familar pain wash over me, upon hearing and/or reading any details, I am immediately taken back to my Daddy’s last few days. I wonder if it will always be this way….. will it always be so fresh, so new, so memorable for me. I know that there are things that I will never forget about those last few days.

I recently read a blog post by someone that had lost her mother. In this post she went over some details of her mother’s last few days. Of course I was able to identify with this, I had seen some of the same things, felt the same emotions, I had been in her shoes. I realized while reading this blog that I have never went over these types of details with anyone. Does anyone really want to hear these details? Hear about the things I saw that I will never be able to forget, the sounds I heard, the feelings I had. It’s a hard story to tell and just as hard to hear. I could talk about it with my family, but it’s hard for them to hear as well even though they did live it right beside me. We prefer to talk about our good memories, share the funny stories, relive the good times over and over. So for now my thoughts will go here, as I continue on this journey doing my best to live each day to its fullest….I know Daddy would approve! 🙂