No Better You Than The You That You Are…

Song Lyrics I heard on my way home: No better you than the you that you are. I disagree!!!!  The song is intended to build women up, has lines about covergirls being too skinny and not eating, how you are beautiful just the way you are. I get that totally! I’m all for encouraging girls and women to see their own beauty. We all have it! But to fall into the “No better you than the you that you are” would mean there’s no room for improvement. And it is my belief that there is ALWAYS room for improvement in us all! I work daily on making myself a better me. To accept the be that I was yesterday is not good enough. I made mistakes yesterday, there were flaws in my character. I’m going to work hard today to try to lesson those flaws. Then do the same again tomorrow.

This thought process is a lot of what is wrong with the world today! Everyone getting the trophy just for participating, always looking for the reward for doing required tasks, the sense of entitlement. It originates in this type of thought process. I work with young children, and as a part of this job I hire younger workers.  The work ethic of today’s youth is practically non-existent! Everyday I am faced with dealing with this frustration. They are so entitled, so used to having the world handed to them on a silver platter, the mere idea of working for what they want never enters their minds. And why should it??? I struggle with this as a mother. I am definitely a less than perfect mother. I have made many mistakes throughout raising my child. I have to fight the urge to blame all of his shortcomings on his father and wash my hands of it. It is a struggle co-parenting though. And a manipulative child can work that in his best interest. I’m grateful that he has a “pseudo” step-dad that attempts to steer him in the right direction. ❤

The diet is going welll meh! Mexican for dinner tonight. I tried a new dish through with grilled shrimp & scallops trying to stay on the diet. It was meh, my mouth watered peering at my son’s cheesy chicken and rice plate though! The pounds are slowly coming off though! Looking good for my June trip goal! Working on laundry tonight and hoping to mop the kitchen floor! Did a little job hunting today and more house printing for my house hunting notebook! Ready for this week to be over and my week away with my love to begin!

xoxo

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Summer Time!

Summer is here again! (not the official season, but school is ending, drum corps is starting, so in my book that equals summer!) Summer means several things for me; 1. My man leaves me again and again throughout the summer to work! (We are deeply in love with each other after waiting our entire lives to find each other.) Our sadness at being apart for even the shortest times can be sickening to some. The Facebook world hates us and our ooey gooey sappy posts & selfies! 2. Time to buckle down with the weight loss plan and fixate on a new goal. As of right now my goal is to lose the 10 pounds I have been playing with for months by the time we go on vacation on June 15. About 1 month, 10 pounds, I got this! 3. It’s usually a very busy season for me with work. A lot of repairs and cleaning and prep work for a new school year.

This year will prove to be quite different I predict. I have had a 3 year plan for the last 2 years. That 3 year plan will be coming to an end very soon! My business is now for sale and the house & job search have begun! When I take the time to truly sit and think about what the next year will hold, all the changes, all the dreams coming true, I can’t help but to smile, really big! It is a super exciting time, although stressful, the excitement outweighs all else. A new city, no clue exactly where just yet. Recommendations will be appreciated! We love mountain views! For the right view and the right house, and the right weather we would go about anywhere! I am on the hunt for a stay at home computer job. Scouring the internet for ideas and suggestions. I updated my resume today and began filling out my first application 🙂 My evenings are now filled with looking through houses and job listings. My mind constantly drifting to the new life ahead, making plans, making lists, ready to go!

Ok. An observation I made today upon reading a Facebook article. Our local high school had their graduation ceremony this past weekend. For the first year the ceremony was held in a different venue than the school (to prevent having to change location due to weather issues). Apparently each graduate was given 7 tickets for their family members to attend. 299 students graduated. On the morning of the event, parents were turned away at the door and not allowed to watch as their children received their diplomas. The fire marshal stated the building was at full occupancy and for safety issues no one else would be permitted inside. I can understand safety issues. But, preventing a parent from watching their child graduate??? This I do not understand! After alllll those years of staying up late ensuring their homework was complete, helping them study for all of those tests and exams, all those drives to and from school, and then miss the one glory moment you’ve waited 18 years for. O.k., now let’s do some math. 299 students were given 7 tickets each (I always hated those word problems in school) which equals 2,093 tickets. Add the 299 graduates to that total for 2,392. The school stated it printed 2,500 tickets. Their were 1,737 seats available in the bleachers and 1,000 chairs available for seating. Total seats available is 2,737, tickets printed 2,500. Therefore, there should have been no issue. It is assumed that people either printed fake tickets or snuck into the ceremony without tickets. Both of those acts are shameful, but the part that really bothers me is this: If you were sitting in this ceremony, it is reported that it started at least 15 minutes late due to traffic issues and lines of people still trying to come inside, I can imagine that news traveled throughout the venue rather quickly that parents were being held outside not allowed to come in. In the modern day of Facebook, I’m sure posts were read instantly from people sitting inside. So, if you were one of these families that either printed fake tickets and/or snuck people in illegally, and had MORE than your allowed 7 family members, and knew there was a mother or a father sitting in the parking lot missing their babies big moment. And you still just sat there? Is that really the world we live in?? Also, even if you were in this ceremony legally. You had a real ticket, you were part of a students 7 allowed family members. You were the aunt, or the cousin, or uncle. And you read on facebook that their is a mother sitting in the parking lot outraged by missing their child’s graduation. And you continue to sit there as an extended family member and take up that precious seat??? I am an Aunt. I cherish my nieces and nephew. I was right there to watch my niece graduate last year. And I will be there next year to watch the youngest niece graduate. I was proud  and wanted to witness the occasion.  But I would like to think if I had the knowledge that a parent was missing out on this opportunity and if I gave up my seat they could watch their child, that I would do it without hesitation. It would be a bummer, no doubt. But, I know my nieces heart, she would want me to give up that spot for someone else. I’m trying hard not to judge. I know extended family members that were at this ceremony and did not give up their seats. Maybe this was not an option. It has been stated that the doors were locked and no one was being allowed inside. Perhaps if someone had given up their seat the process could not have been followed through calmly in deciding who would be allowed inside. Our city has quite the reputation for violence recently, perhaps spectators were fearful to cause more drama by giving up seats. However, in all of the media attention, there is no mention of families attempting to give up their seats and being turned down. Again, I would like to think I would have done the right thing and given up my seat, and hoped that enough people would follow my example to ensure that all parents were able to watch their child. I often have to step back when I hear about situations such as this one and think about how I would have reacted. Going along with the crowd and having the attitude of “I’m not giving up MY seat” can be so easy. But we all know that is not the right thing to do . It is not easy doing the right thing, it is very easy to go along with the majority that do not always do the right thing. I watch people tear each other down on a daily basis. Always quick to find the negative in a person and/or situation. Very rarely do they stop to try to even find a positive. I just think the world would have to be a better place if we took a moment to build one another up instead of constantly tearing each other down. Must be the Hippy 60’s Love Child coming out in me!

That’s all for now! If you are reading this, comment your favorite, mountainous city…I need some moving destinations! Peace ❤

The Song in my Head

The very first time I found and heard this song my initial reaction was, “wow, how morbid!”. I found and played it again and listened closely to the lyrics and bam! it hit me! THIS is how everyone should live their lives!!! Ever since my Daddy passed away I have promised to live life to it’s fullest, putting everything I had into each and every single day. Just like my Daddy did. When my time here is over, I want to leave with no regrets, no last minute “I wish I would have…” or ” I should have..” or “why didn’t I ever”. That’s what this song is about! I love Anton with my complete, full heart. He’s on my mind every second of each day. I’m always anticipating coming home to him at the end of the day, hoping he will walk through the door at work just stopping by to say hi because he was missing me, or missing him so intensely, counting each second until we can be together again. I want each one of my moments with him to last just a little bit longer. I do not want to take our time or his love for granted for even a second. Just think what a wonderful world it would be if everyone loved so deeply and thoroughly. Loving each other, with realization that this could be the last time you are with this person. Value each and every precious second you have together. I can see a much happier world full of smiling, extremely giddy and happy people! I know without a doubt that is what my plan is with my life. I will love you Anton, like I’m gonna lose you, kiss you just a little longer, taking in every moment I have with you.

Today was a great day! I was super motivated and focused at work. To do list in hand, checking items off, getting stuff done before I leave on my trip. In the midst of my work, a beautiful vase of flowers are delivered. The card said my name. My mouth fell open. No way, I said…who would send me flowers. I cautiously, slowly opened the card to find the words of the sweetest man I know! I was in complete shock! Ya see…my love is a practical man. He sees such things as flowers being delivered as frivolous, and impractical. They will just die. (Which is the same approach I’ve always had as well) But wow! It sure did feel amazing to be on the receiving end! I could feel his love beaming from that vase. Tears came to my eyes and the biggest smile crossed my lips. Thank you baby, you made my day, and made being without you just a fraction better!

I am woman hear me roar! That was my motto during my work meeting tonight. There are several major issues that needed addressing in a firm and serious matter. And that is my downfall!  But I knew the job had to be done, and I buckled down and got the point across. I was approached by several staff members after the meeting, some asking if I was referring to them, some commenting on how serious and mad I seemed about it, some apologizing for their mistakes and promising to improve. What more could I ask for? Now time to get ready for bed and prepare for my last day at work before I go meet up with my sweet, sweet Anton!!! xoxox

Summer is almost over!

This is the last stretch! The last run! I survived another summer! Whew! Close call though! In 2 1/2 days I will be back in my baby’s arms again! 🙂

I have made sure that I was super busy this weekend with finishing up things at work for the new school  year. I will be busy Monday & Tuesday too, then leave Wednesday morning to meet up with my man! I am so very tired, so tired and exhausted that I can’t sleep! I always think that is so crazy when it happens. But I feel very accomplished! I got a lot done this summer and everything is looking great! Now if only it can stay that way! There is still a few more things to do, but they will get done in time! I realized this weekend while working and thinking, that this is the very first year I have had to do all of this type work by myself…and I did it! (Pats self on back!)

I’m doing well with my diet. I am the lowest weight I have been since I started tracking my weight last September! Yay for me! Bought myself new tennis shoes as a reward! Oh and my lifestyle and tastes truly are changing…. I haven’t ate much this weekend cause I’ve been working so much, so today I was starving at lunch time and went and got a fast food hamburger and fries…I was so excited and couldn’t wait for that first bite…and ya know what? It really didn’t taste that great at all! I honestly think I would have rather had a good salad! What???!!!! Me? The fast food queen!?! What is going on!? 😉

I’ve been sad today though. It happens when he is away! My mind takes off and comes up with all kinds of wild ideas. And especially these last few trips with me being so busy and not having much time to spend chatting with him. Makes it much harder. Sigh…and now I’m home …..ready to chat ….and he’s having chicken tenders with the boys! Similar to last night when he was excited and all ready to chat and I had to go to sleep!

My kid can always seem to surprise me and always seems to know just what I need to hear! Today he came to help me at work when I asked, without a second of hesitation or argument, and when he saw all the work I had done he was so very complimentary! It made me smile, like really big! “Wow Mom this looks great! The kids will love it!” He can be such a sweetie!

Hmmm….how long does it take one to eat chicken tenders??? Going on 2 hrs now …. 😦  On a more positive note…I am beating his ex-girlfriend in a scrabble game 😉 Yay Me!

There is plenty I could be doing….the house needs a good cleaning again…laundry needs to be done….I have to pack for my trip….work that I could be doing. Hmm….which one shall I do?? Or maybe a nice, long, hot bath….ohhhh with wine..there’s still a bottle of wine in the fridge….that would hit the spot right now! Bath time! xoxo

Home Alone…again!

He’s gone once again! Only for a week this time though. It hasn’t been too terribly awful this time around. I’m super busy at work so that helps. It’s always the home time that it hits me. That’s when I miss him the most.

It’s Father’s Day Weekend…so of course Dad keeps creeping into my mind. I was just thinking about how grateful I am for having a Dad like mine. That taught me so many valuable, important life lessons. And I was thinking that if given the chance I’d give anything for just one more conversation. I’d let him talk as long as he wanted! He loved to laugh and make other people laugh, I’d let him tell me as many jokes as he could remember! But I really have nothing left unsaid with him. He died knowing how loved he was. He knew our feelings, how lucky we felt to have him as our Dad. That’s how my family is…we are open and free with our words. Maybe just a little dysfunctional but we do alright.

So..everyone has read about the shark attacks on a North Carolina beach I am sure. Welp my son is going to that very beach next week with his Dad and his family. I’m really trying very hard not to be THAT Mom that freaks out over the thought of him dipping his toes into that shark infested water. We’ve talked about it, and I really am not worried about it. He isn’t much of an ocean water boy anyway.

My favorite TV show comes back on tonight (Yay!) So that’s a big distraction for me. It only comes on in the summer so I have to wait all year for it to come back on. I have a busy busy weekend planned at work …my hope is I’ll be so tired when I get home I’ll just instantly crash! And wake up on Tuesday when it’s time for him to come home again lol!

I’m back on my diet again. More focused, motivated and dedicated than before! I’ve lost 2.4 lbs this week so far! today’s been a tough day for the diet. I’m hungry and want to cheat so bad! So far, so good though! Hope to at least get somewhat close to my goal weight by the end of August when I have a wedding to go to.

I’ve thought a lot about my friend today. I’ve been under the impression that things were going ok for us lately. We’ve spoken and talked at work each day. Things seemed a little less stressed and tense between us. But she makes a point to make it clear that she has no interest in me anymore. I’m sure she feels it’s the treatment I deserve. She posted several quotes on facebook today that I know were meant for me. My first instinct was to find an even better digging in quote to post on mine. But I stopped myself. That’s not who I want to be any longer. Still working on not judging others ..it’s an everyday struggle! But at least I can say I am more aware of when it happens now.

ok …that’s it for now…more later! Have a great evening!

Random Thoughts

Just realized I forgot to title my  last entry..I’ll have to fix that! Today was a good day, busy. Lots of work to do. I was very tired today and not quite sure why. I had plenty of great sleep last night, but was very unmotivated and sluggish. But I made it through! Came home this evening and took a nap. Felt so good. Then woke up and rushed to get my bags packed and the apartment somewhat neat and clean. I leave in the morning to go to Mom’s. She called tonight…very excited! She’s always said I’m her fun child, the one who can make her laugh no matter what her mood. That’s a big job on my shoulders. Especially through the past events with Dad. There were times I wasn’t able to be the family clown, I secluded inside myself and was very quiet (unusual for me) and it almost made me feel as if I was letting her down. She asks for so very little. Her spirits were much better tonight (not sure if it was b/c she was into the spirits though lol) My bro-in-law had came by earlier and fixed some things for her. She was pleased. I’m glad to hear an upbeat tone from her!

Work was a little drama filled, one staff that tends to take things over the crazy edge every now and then. Took a small tiny incident and turned it into a huge mountain of a moe hill. But all is handled now.

I follow Anton’s work on several media sites, lots of pics are posted throughout the day. I like knowing what he’s doing and what is going on. But looking at the beautiful scenery and all the activity really makes me miss the whole atmosphere. I wanna go back! I want to be with him and share this passion of his each and everyday! By his side is where I belong!

I’m still working on my “being more judge-mental of self than others” I can’t wait to be able to lay in bed with my man and discuss it and explore what is judge-mental and what is not. I love our snuggling times together. We talk about everything and could lay there like that for an entire weekend and neither of us would mind.

Time for bed now, long drive tomorrow! Only 2 days til I see him! It seems like it has been forever!!!!!

Embrace the positive!

2 things have been on my mind today.

First, is my Daddy…have thought of him all week long. Not sure why…maybe because I’m going to Mom’s this weekend. Driving there always brings him to mind, realizing he won’t be there to say “Hey Girlfriend, I’ve been waitin’ on you”, or  thinking of the drives I took when he was sick and in  the hospital and not knowing what I would be facing when I arrived. Maybe it’s the time of year, like I said in a previous post, this was his most favorite time of year, or maybe it’s Father’s Day. Last year when I went to WalMart at this time of year and saw the Father’s Day cards all on display I instantly had tears in my eyes, I put it off as being so close to his death…same reaction this  year though. Maybe it’s because I’ve been worried about Mom and know how badly she is missing him. Not sure of why, but hes’ been right there in the front of my mind all week long. Reliving the memories I will always cherish, feeling the love that will always be there, crying the tears that always manage to come. I am so very thankful that I was chosen to be his daughter. I will always honor him by living my life in the same ways he lived his. Fully and completely.

Number two, is a facebook post from last night:

“Let go of negative people and thoughts. Embrace positive people and those that build you up. Forgive. Be more judge-mental of self than others. .everyone makes mistakes. Have compassion and have fun!!! Life Is too short to regret. Love on purpose. Live on purpose. Be.”

Wow! What mind blowing, thought provoking words! What a way to live! Describes exactly how I want to live my life. Some parts of it I have managed to take on, other parts I am still working on everyday. Be more judge-mental of self than others…I’m going to concentrate on that one for right now. I know I need work on that and it’s a hard one . Passing judgement is so easy to do. I’ve let go of negative people, I do embrace positive people and love being around others that build me up. So  I’m going to try to stop myself and take the time to realize before I pass judgement. Wish me luck!!

P.S. 3 more days! then we are together again!

Since You’ve Been Away I’ve Been Down & Lonely…

Today was another busy busy day at work! The busy days are great for keeping my mind off of missing my man! But it always sets in when I get home in the evenings and he’s busy working! I’m managing to stay somewhat positive and upbeat since our visit together. That small break in between the 3 week spread really helped! Now I just have to get through this week and then he’s home for a little bit before he leaves me again.

I’ve been worrying about my mom lately. When I call, she seems so down and lonely. I know she is missing my Dad. This time of year is hard for us. He loved this time of year, being outside, mowing grass, spreading mulch, planting flowers. He was always busy doing something outside. I realize it’s easier for us kids, we each have our own busy lives to keep us occupied. She has nothing to fill her days and nights. I’ve made an effort to try and call more frequently, and she seems to be enjoying that. We are going to visit this weekend and she is really looking forward to that. Money is a major worry for her. I really hate that for her. She  has worried over money and bills her entire life. It just seems that if you work hard and some point, sometime you should be rewarded for your hard work and given some relief. Which, don’t get me wrong, she is partly to blame, she has trouble budgeting and saving money, always has. But still, it just seems like you should be able to be a 70 year old widow and not have to worry about every penny and dime week to week. It’s sad. She can’t fix the things that are wrong with her house. She’s constantly filled with worry that something will break or something wil happen and she won’t have the money to fix it. I know our visit will do her good, and hopefully I will come home with a better feeling about her.

Well..I have lots I need to do before I make it to bed tonight. Not feeling like doing anything though! Hopefully if I turn on some music it will get me up and moving and I can check some things off my to do list! I have a trip and a homecoming to prepare for! I’ll write more tomorrow! Have a terrific Tuesday! xoxo

What an Amazing Week!

I had a fabulous trip to see my sweet man! It went by very quickly, but at the same time, it was like time was standing still. Nothing else matters when we are together like that. No outside stresses..just each other and time to be together. It’s absolutely perfect! We spent our mornings going on walks and short hikes. (I felt like they were real hikes, until I’ve seen pics of what he has hiked since I left lol) The scenery was beautiful, breathtaking, indescribable. You have to experience it to get it’s beauty. Snow capped mountains, trees as tall as you can see, water falls, streams, rivers, bridges, animals, I soaked up every detail and every second. I’ll post a few pics at the end. It’s ok to step out of the box, remove yourself from your comfort zones from time to time. The old me would have never imagined enjoying this type of thing. But I do truly love it. And it makes me feel amazing! Win Win! The afternoons were spent with us both working. I would sit on the sidelines with my laptop typing away trying to get ahead at work. He would do his thing and I was blown away by the effect he has on the kids he works with. I knew he was something special….but I get to see a part of him that not many get to see. These kids get to see it. They get him totally. And they love him and respect his praise and opinion. I loved being apart of the life he is so passionate about. The evenings were spent with a great group of friends. Lots of laughs and fun times. Being with him every second of the day is the best possible scenario for me. It’s when we are our best! I can’t imagine ever wishing he would go to work, or that I could be alone. It’s just too good when we are together. Which is why it sucks so terribly awfully bad when we are apart! I’ve done really good at staying busy so far. But I’m getting that bummed feeling coming on again! One more week! I can do it! 037 558 512

Rainy Days & Monday’s always get me down (It’s rainy here!)

I’m sad tonight. I don’t really think I’ve ever really missed someone like I do him .My ex husband used to go out of town. I don’t recall ever truly missing him. I remember feeling ahhhh me time! But never laying in bed longing for him. Missing his touch …noope never. This is almost consuming me. Atleast when I’m at home. At work I can stay busy enough to deal. At home I just sit here ….and cry. That’s silly though. He’s coming back. He hasn’t left me for good. But I just want him here. EVen if that is completely irrational, it is what I want. Part of me wants to get on my knees and beg him to come home and never go back again. I won’t do that though. I haven’t entirely lost my mind…yet. And I’m a morbid-like person..when I’m sad I surround myself with sadness. How sad is that?? I sat here all evening long and watched clips from Grey’s Anatomy.

OK snap out of it…geez! Re-cap of my day:

Busy and productive again. I have everything ready for my absence and everything ready to work on while I’m gone. New girl started today and she did very good. I interviewed a daughter of our music teacher today for a part time position in the fall. I can remember when her mother was pregnant with her..wow I’m old. I think my work drama/tension has fed my sad feelings this week. I feel almost alienate  there. Hopefully things will improve soon. I feel better now. Writing my feelings out really does help! Tomorrow will be better! Super busy day at work then I HAVE to get things done here and pack for my trip!